Once upon a time, I thought I was far too sensitive for an ethical Friends with Benefits (FWB) relationship, and in hindsight, I was. It took a period of serial-dating, self exploration and a lot of soul searching to feel ready and capable of having a FWB. Since then, I have had several, to varying degrees of success. If you’re thinking that a FWB might be what you’re looking for, here are some things to consider before you start texting those booty calls.
Get Real with Yourself
Before embarking on a quest for the perfect friend with benefits, sit yourself down and be honest with yourself about what you’re actually seeking. Ask yourself what level of time, emotional energy and physical availability you have to offer. If you’re only looking for a quick hookup don’t go hunting for FWB-ready people who are legitimately seeking an ongoing connection. Likewise, if what you really want is to find your soulmate/forever partner/the future Kim to your Kanye, then an FWB might be a very disappointing approach. Sure, FWBs can blossom into bigger things, but don’t bank on it.
Fish from the Right Streams
Polish up your online dating profile and start making connections. If you don’t put out the feelers, you may wait a very long time (or forever) for a FWB to fall into your lap. Likewise, really consider the potential impact on existing friendships and relationships before you express interest in becoming friends with benefits. If you want something no-strings-attached, approaching your friend or co-worker about a non-committal arrangement might blow up in your face. Tread lightly.
Find a Common Definition of FWB
When you find a like-minded person, be up front about what you want. There is absolutely no upside to being dishonest or misleading about what you are looking for. There’s also no shame in wanting something that is relatively uncomplicated. Phrases like “I’m looking for a genuine but casual arrangement that’s respectful and fun.” makes it clear that you are somewhere between a hookup and a full blown relationship. If time or emotions add additional caveats, express those up front too. Ask questions and and ensure you’re confident that you both see the situation the same way and are there for the same reasons.
Manage Expectations and Limits
Once you’ve managed to make a connection that seems promising and you’re aligned in terms of what you want, you need to be responsible for your own expectations and feelings. Have an open conversation about what your FWB status looks like. Talk about safe sex, consent, and about how your arrangement fits into both your lives. Is this something you’ll both share with your social circle? Are there other partners to consider? It may be helpful to set some ground rules like no sleepovers (or always sleeping over), or checking in by text the next day. Be realistic about the amount of attention you want and how much you can offer. No one wants to feel used, forgotten, or rejected.
FWB Means Nurturing the Friendship
The term Friends With Benefits can often seem like a misnomer if the relationship is strictly sexual without much other substance. Nurturing the friendship can really add dimension and value to an FWB situation when your expectations and feelings are under control. If it works for both of you, do things like occasionally hanging out without hooking up. Basically, treat them like a person you care about! Knowing your FWB, and allowing them to know you, will help lubricate communication. It’s also totally okay if you both just want a reliable hook up. In short, be the FWB that you’d like to have.
Don’t Forget to Enjoy Yourself
A reliable, trustworthy, safe and sane FWB can be a rare find. If you’ve both approached it ethically and responsibly you can have a lot of fun without too much risk of hurt feelings or infringing on each others’ lives. Let yourself enjoy it!
Catching Feelings
As the old saying goes “The heart wants what the heart wants.” and romantic feelings can creep up at inconvenient times and make an otherwise easy-breezy situation suddenly feel heavy and risky. If you find yourself struck by Cupid’s arrow, review the agreed upon expectations and decide on a course of action. Chances are you have four options: tell them and be rejected, tell them and ride off into the sunset together, don’t tell them and suffer, or don’t tell them how you feel and move on. I am on Team Tell Them, because “nothing ventured, nothing gained”, but if you’re confident that your feelings won’t be returned you may have to face the fact that it’s just not going to work for much longer.
FWB connections rarely last forever
If you’re faced with that ultimate decision, prepare your exit strategy. Avoid reckless moves like ghosting them or blocking them on social media without having a conversation. Likewise, don’t feel you have to stay involved in something that isn’t working for you. At the very least, be respectful. Be kind, be clear, and give them space to absorb your decision. They may be totally aligned or they may be quite disappointed; you may salvage the friendship, you may never speak again. It’s a gamble, but that’s the price you pay for a low commitment, high reward arrangement like FWBs.
It can be easy to see a friends with benefits situation as a responsibility-free way to have sex a la carte without all the fuss of a traditional relationship, but the truth is, it’s still its own kind of relationship. It may not come with the same commitments or trajectory of growth, but you’re still engaging with someone’s mind and body, and just like you, they have feelings. Taking the time to approach an FWB thoughtfully and ethically may make you a better partner for the future and help you get the most out of things in the short term.
