It’s easy to get excited and want to get serious with your new connection. We’ve all been there: things are going well with your new flame, and you’re tempted to slide headlong into a seemingly comfortable relationship without digging into The Big Questions.
It’s easy to do when the New Relationship Energy (NRE) is flowing and the honeymoon phase is still fresh and sexy. When everything feels fun and interesting and easy, glossing over disparate values or a difference of approach is easy to do. But it’s important to ask yourself — and each other — a few questions first.
How do you each define “get serious?”
Being aligned in your relationship is an important starting point before leveling-up on commitments. Chances are, if it’s the right time to talk about the big stuff, you’re already in a good place. Don’t let that stop you from having some significant conversations and speaking plainly about where you’re at right now, not just where you want to get to in the future.
What does the ideal relationship progression look like for each of you?
There’s obviously no one way to have a relationship or for a relationship to progress. How you do it is up to you. However, if you fundamentally don’t want the same things at the same time, you may have to consider your relationship’s potential. Some people want the classic rom-com formula of “meeting-dating-moving in-getting married-having children.” Other people want something less traditional or more flexible. Understanding each other’s needs and timeline can save you a lot of heartache in the future.
Are you comfortable with each other’s political values?
Take the time to think about the topics and political opinions that are meaningful to each of you. Just as important, seek to understand their point of view. Not agreeing is absolutely okay provided that you are tolerant and respectful of each other’s stance and expression of beliefs. If you’re not aligned or the conversations cannot remain respectful, ask yourself what kind of toll that is likely to take on your relationship over time.
What are your ideals and expectations around relationships with family?
Not everyone has a family of origin, or a close, positive relationship with them. For many people, the balance between family and spouse is a tricky one. Understanding how your partner thinks and feels about being a new member of your family is a huge opportunity to support them. Likewise, sharing your needs allows them to support you with their family’s dynamics. If there are strained or complex family relationships agree on strategies for navigating them together.
Do you want to have the same kind of sex?
Sex is a really important topic in relationships, one that many people feel uncomfortable making a priority. There is no shame in having specific needs and desires and being realistic about what you want and need in the long and short term. It’s also okay to be on a path of discovery and exploration. But it’s an important detail to talk about with partners early on.
Can you get serious about cooking, cleaning and emotional labour?
Understanding where your partner stands on gender roles and the distribution of domestic duties is an important factor as a relationship evolves and your lives become more entwined. Making it work for both of you is imperative and will help you avoid endless conflict and disappointment. Whether you share it equally or one of you takes on the bulk of it is immaterial, so long as you agree and no one feels overlooked or taken advantage of.
Have you let each other in at all?
To get serious, you have to get vulnerable. Have you talked about fears, trauma, and deep insecurities? Are you mutually trusting of one another enough to share the dark, sad, scared parts of yourself? You needn’t divulge every skeleton in every closet, but if you’re looking to dial up the commitment, you may want to consider how you feel about vulnerability and continuing to share more of yourself with your partner. Likewise, do they share with you? Too much? Not enough? Ironing out communication hiccups sooner than later will make for smoother sailing. If this is ‘your person’, do you feel safe enough to bare your soul? And how important is it to you that they bare theirs?
Do you share a definition of respect?
Imagine getting serious with someone who talks down to servers in restaurants or is dismissive of marginalized folks or who doesn’t think that manners are important. If your definitions of basic respect (and who is worthy of it) don’t jive, consider all of the social situations you will have to navigate, how embarrassed by your partner you may be, and how likely it is that you will personally feel the sting of that misalignment in values. Chances are, if they are careless or unthinking with respect to others, they will be flagrant about respecting you too.
Do you laugh at the same things?
Humor is a tie that binds. When we find something funny along with someone, we connect. When we laugh together, we share a moment and a dose of endorphins that make us hunger for another laugh and the same boost. Again, you don’t have to agree on everything or be in-step on every joke. But sharing a giggle is a valuable part of any relationship and makes for more memories, more intimacy and more fun. You deserve to have fun in your relationships.
Final Thoughts
To wrap up, getting serious with someone is a major life step. Asking each other the right questions can help make sure you’re picking the perfect person for you. Take some time to think and honestly answer all 10 questions because honesty will get you far in any relationship. Don’t ever be afraid to take a big chance on love – sometimes they pay off! Always listen to your instincts – they rarely fail us – but don’t forget to use your head too. Make sure to really think it through! Now that you know all of this, we challenge you to go out and answer these 10 intriguing questions yourself. What have you experienced? Tell us in the comments below and let’s start getting real about what it takes to build a strong relationship!
Do you have any relationship must-haves or deal breakers? Is there something missing from this list? Share your thoughts in the comments below!