#JanuaryJumpstart Day 2: Sexy is an energy. Not a look, not a style, not a size. It’s an intangible that we try so hard to make tangible but what if we just let it be what it is?
Recently I wrote about getting my sexy back, and how it’s not a linear process to acquire, nor keep, a feeling of sexiness. It would be amazing if it was always present, but that seems like a lofty goal. Something I have learned about my sexuality in the last few years, especially in kink and D/s relationships: I very much mirror, the energy of my partner or someone I’m flirting with. I tend to adapt my behaviour to theirs, regardless of role or dynamics.
I discovered in therapy that this highly adaptable approach (not just in sexual contexts) is a trauma response and a throwback to a shitty, violent and judgemental upbringing. Basically, I have learned from dangerous and scary situations that appeasing people is the key to safety; being agreeable kept me alive. But now that I am aware of that behaviour I can choose to continue it or re-wire my mind to make conscious choices about it. I no longer endure an environment like that and I have not for many years, so keeping my response the same makes no sense.
But back to sexy …
We have all met someone who is effortlessly sexy. They seem to carry with them an air of confidence and appeal that everyone sees. They are the sort of people of whom others say things like, “I’m not into <insert gender> but I’d still fuck them.” It’s that uncanny lure, a sense of confidence, swagger, if you will, that makes them so desirable. I think when we are looking at our own objective appeal, we need to remember that the things that make us hottest are the things we struggle to name. It’s not our height or weight, it’s not our endowments, our accents, our skin colour or our muscle tone. Authentic sex appeal runs deeper than that and is more ambiguous and fleeting, like catching lightning in a bottle. We all try very hard to wear the right thing, buy the right products, present ourselves in very specific ways, when really, our sexiness is inherent. It’s there no matter what you wear or how you move. It’s there no matter the details of our physical selves – we just need to learn how to harness it.
I saw an amazing TikTok the other day that was about self criticism and the internalized gaze. In this case it was a straight cis woman talking about the internalized straight male gaze and teaching herself how to see herself without it. The concept blew my mind yet made perfect sense. If when you look at yourself, you are inadvertently appraising yourself based on someone else’s values and preferences, not only will you adapt to an ideal that is not your own, you will criticise and torment yourself over how to be yourself, based on a prediction of someone else’s thoughts of what is sexy. That is so fucked up! I decided to try it myself and so I have been approaching my body, my image, my rituals around dressing and wearing makeup, basically all my personal aesthetics, and asking myself: Is this what I want? Is this what I find beautiful? Who am I dressing for? Why isn’t this sexy to me? Because if it’s NOT, I don’t want it.
I am so sick to death of giving away all my power. It’s a terrible habit and something I wasn’t even aware that I did. Now that I am more aware and trying hard to remember these things and interrupt myself when I fall back into old patterns, I’m starting to see myself really differently. Not only is my human value centered less on attractiveness and sexuality, when I do impart value to my body, I now see that it’s not the only good thing about me. As for feeling sexy, it still comes and goes, but realizing that I decide if I’m sexy, not you, and I can choose what I project and share, has made it so much easier to see what others have seen in me all along: I’m sexy as fuck, and it has very little to do with how I look.
It’s never too late to join in on January Jumpstart (unless it’s February when you read this). Be a part of the project, or just read along, but there’s plenty to discover if you tap that little typewriter and see who else if getting a strong start to a new year of blogging.