How to Ask About Non-Monogamy Without Being Rude

So, you’ve met a real, live, openly non-monogamous person out in the wild, and curiosity is gnawing at you. Maybe it’s a new friend, a colleague, or that fascinating couple at your favourite coffee shop who seem to have cracked the code on relationship happiness. That’s fair! It’s normal to be curious about non-monogamy and things you don’t understand or can’t relate to. But asking about the details of someone’s private life can be awkward and invasive, and if you don’t quite know how to do it, you run the risk of coming across the wrong way.

If you have questions, but you also have manners, how do you satisfy your curiosity without sounding nosy, rude, or like you’re conducting an unsolicited sociology project?

Let’s talk about how monogamous folks can navigate these conversations with respect, grace, and a healthy dose of tact. Because, trust me, we non-monogamous people are often happy to chat, as long as we’re not being treated like specimen in a jar at a Victorian freak show.

Start With Your Own Intentions

Before launching into a rapid-fire Q&A about our love lives, take a moment to ask yourself: Why do I want to know?

• Are you genuinely interested in understanding different relationship models?
• Are you questioning your own views on monogamy?
• Or are you just hunting for the spicy gossip? (Be honest!)

If it’s coming from a place of genuine curiosity and respect, you’re already off to a great start. But if your curiosity is more about shock value, entertainment, or trying to “prove a point” about why non-monogamy “could never work”, then maybe take a step back. Interrogation and curiosity are not the same thing. A good way to check your intent is to consider how you would feel if someone asked the same question about your monogamous relationship. Would it feel intrusive? Would it seem like they were fishing for scandal? If so, reconsider your phrasing, or whether you should ask at all.

Timing Is Everything

Imagine you’re at a party, nibbling on some cheese, and someone you barely know turns to you and says, “So, tell me everything about your sex life.”

Jarring, right?

That’s what it feels like when someone blurts out, “So how does your open relationship actually work?” without preamble. Context is key. A casual hangout where relationships are already a topic? Cool. A work meeting? Probably not. If you wouldn’t ask someone about the inner workings of their monogamous relationship in a particular setting, it’s probably not the time to ask about non-monogamy, either. See how these double standards work?

Avoid the National Geographic Approach to Non-Monogamy Questions

Sorry to break it to you, but non-monogamous people are not rare, exotic creatures that require anthropological study. Questions like, “So how do you not get jealous?” or “But don’t you want something real eventually?” can feel patronising or dismissive. Instead of assuming we’re abnormal or damaged, try something more open-ended: “What do you like most about being non-monogamous?” or “How did you come to explore this relationship style?” These questions acknowledge that non-monogamy is a choice, not a condition. They also invite genuine conversation rather than putting us on the defensive.

When engaging with someone who views non-monogamy as an orientation (an inherent part of their identity rather than just a relationship style) it’s important to approach the conversation with respect, curiosity, and an open mind. Just as some people feel that monogamy is their natural state, others experience non-monogamy as an intrinsic part of who they are. Instead of debating or questioning this perspective, recognize that they are the expert on their own experience.

If someone shares their experience, take your cues from how much they’re comfortable revealing. If they keep things general, don’t pry. A good rule to follow: If you wouldn’t ask it of a monogamous person, don’t ask it of a non-monogamous person.

A good way to frame your curiosity is: “I’ve heard some people describe non-monogamy as an orientation rather than just a lifestyle choice. Is that how you experience it?” This approach shows that you’re interested in learning rather than challenging their beliefs. Steer clear of phrasing that makes it sound like a phase, an indulgence, or something that needs to be “explained”. Statements like “But how do you know?” or “Isn’t that just a preference?” can come off as dismissive. Instead, a better way to ask might be: “What does it mean for you to experience non-monogamy as an orientation?” This allows them to share their personal perspective without feeling like they need to justify it.

If someone tells you they feel wired for non-monogamy, take it as an opportunity to understand their experience rather than assuming all non-monogamous people feel the same way. A simple way to acknowledge this is: “I really appreciate you sharing that. I hadn’t thought about non-monogamy in that way before.”

For those who see non-monogamy as an orientation, suggesting they could or should be monogamous is akin to telling a queer person they could “choose” to be straight. Even if monogamy works for you, avoid comments like: “But couldn’t you just be happy with one partner?” Instead, try: “What aspects of non-monogamy feel most affirming to you?”

It’s great to ask thoughtful questions, but make sure you’re also offering perspectives from your own experiences. You could say:
“I’ve always felt happiest in monogamous relationships, but I love hearing about different ways people experience connection. What do you think makes non-monogamy feel so natural for you?” This keeps things conversational rather than making them feel like they’re being interviewed.

Respect Personal Boundaries

While many non-monogamous folks are comfortable talking about their relationships, not all of us are eager to discuss the nitty-gritty details of our personal lives, especially with people we don’t know well, and even more so when they assume that non-monogamy is all about sex.

There’s a common misconception that non-monogamous people are inherently more sexually active, adventurous, or uninhibited than monogamous folks. While non-monogamy can certainly involve multiple romantic and/or sexual connections, it is, at its core, about autonomy, relationships, trust, and communication, not just sex. When people fixate on the sexual aspects, it reduces a complex and meaningful way of connecting to something superficial and sensationalized.

Imagine if every time you mentioned having a partner, people immediately asked for intimate details about your bedroom habits. It would get old fast, wouldn’t it? That’s why it’s important to approach these conversations with the same level of discretion and respect that you would expect when discussing any relationship. If a non-monogamous person wants to share details, they will, but they shouldn’t have to justify their relationships by putting their personal lives on display.

A good rule: If you wouldn’t ask it of a monogamous person, don’t ask it of a non-monogamous person.

For example, questions like:

❌ “So, who’s better in bed?” (No.)

❌ “Do you all sleep together at the same time?” (Also no.)

✅ “How do you handle time management in multiple relationships?” (Much better!)

Be Mindful of Loaded Non-Monogamy Language

Words carry baggage, and some questions might unintentionally imply judgment. Saying, “I could never do that” or “Isn’t that just cheating with permission?” is obnoxious and dismissive, even if you don’t mean it that way.

Instead of framing non-monogamy as something strange or morally questionable, approach it with curiosity rather than an opinion. Try: “How do you navigate communication in your relationships?” or “What drew you to this kind of relationship?”

Don’t Assume We’re Recruiting You

Just because we’re talking about non-monogamy doesn’t mean we’re trying to convert you. This isn’t a timeshare pitch. Also, don’t flatter yourself. Why would we pursue a monogamous person, that doesn’t even make sense?

And by the way, the vast majority of us don’t think monogamy is bad, we simply view it as a choice rather than the default, something many monogamous people haven’t considered. Non-monogamy isn’t about proving monogamous people wrong, or making “gotcha” moments that defend our position, it’s just another way of approaching love and relationships. You don’t have to preface your questions with, “Don’t worry, I could never do this.” We’re not out here waiting to lure you in like some kind of seductive multi-love cult, that would be antithetical to the consent-driven culture of non-monogamy.

On Autonomy and Consent

If we expect autonomy, we must respect consent, it’s as simple as that. Autonomy means having the freedom to make choices about your own life, relationships, and body without coercion or unnecessary interference. But that freedom is a two-way street. If you value your own right to decide what’s best for you, then you have to extend that same respect to others. Consent isn’t just about sex, it’s about boundaries, communication, and mutual agreement in all aspects of human interaction. Whether it’s emotional availability, time commitments, or physical touch, no one is entitled to someone else’s participation just because they want it.

This is especially important in non-monogamous and alternative relationship dynamics, where autonomy is often a core value. People who embrace non-traditional relationships do so because they believe in self-determination and intentional connection, not because they owe anyone access to their lives. If you want the freedom to explore relationships on your own terms, you must respect when others set limits on theirs. The right to say yes is only meaningful when the right to say no is just as respected. True autonomy isn’t about doing whatever you want—it’s about navigating relationships in a way that honours choice, agency, and mutual respect at every turn.

Be Willing to Learn, Or Let It Go

If you’re going to ask, be prepared to actually listen.

If you find yourself interrupting with “Yeah, but I just don’t get how…”, you might not be as open-minded as you think. Non-monogamy is a vast and varied landscape. Some people practice polyamory, others are in open marriages, some enjoy casual dating alongside a primary partner, others reject all forms of hierarchy. There’s no single blueprint. If a concept is unfamiliar, it’s okay to say, “I’ve never thought about it that way before” or “I’m not sure what that is, can you elaborate?” instead of pushing back or insisting it wouldn’t work for you. And if you reach a point where the conversation isn’t making sense to you? That’s okay! Not everything has to click for everyone. You don’t have to “get it” to respect it.

Some of Us Love Talking About Non-Monogamy And Some of Us Don’t.

There’s no universal non-monogamous spokesperson. Some of us love explaining how our relationships work, while others would rather just go about our day without having to give an impromptu TED Talk. Sometimes it has everything to do with who is asking what the nature of their question is. If you ask and someone doesn’t seem eager to engage, respect that boundary. They’re not being secretive or unfriendly, maybe they’ve just answered the same ten questions a hundred times before. Or maybe, just maybe, they’d rather talk about something else, like movies, hobbies, or almost any other thing. Remember, what may seem exotic or salacious to you, seems mundane and everyday for us. It’s just life, not a soap opera.

Additionally, non-monogamy can be challenging, especially when it comes to family law, who gets rights and access to what, and how assets are shared and divided. Simply put, not all non-monogamous folks feel safe or at liberty to share openly, and pressuring them to satisfy your curiosities is weird, entitled behaviour.

The Takeaway

Curiosity is great. Conversation is grand. Good-faith questions are awesome. Just remember that non-monogamous people aren’t a novelty, a puzzle, or a debate waiting to happen. Ask questions that stem from genuine interest, not judgment or shock. Treat the topic with the same casual respect you’d extend to anyone discussing their love life. Simple, right?

So many people are still stuck on the erroneous idea that being non-monogamous means living in a perpetual state of hedonistic chaos, where commitment is nonexistent, emotions run wild, and sex is the primary motivator. In reality, non-monogamous relationships (like monogamous ones!) are built on communication, trust, and emotional connection. Some non-monogamous people have multiple romantic partners; others focus on deep emotional intimacy with one partner while keeping things casual with others. Some are celibate or asexual but still practice relationship structures outside of monogamy. It’s as varied as monogamy itself, yet because it falls outside societal norms, it often gets boiled down to something simplistic and salacious.

When people assume that non-monogamy is just about having as much sex as possible, it not only flattens a nuanced way of relating but can also make non-monogamous people feel like they have to justify their choices, or worse yet, like we are condemned for our non-compliance with arbitrary cultural standards. It’s exhausting to constantly correct the narrative, especially when the questions come loaded with judgment or prurient interest.

So be gentle, be considerate, exercise some empathy. If someone wants to share intimate details, they will, but no one should feel obligated to offer up their personal experiences for someone else’s curiosity. As with any conversation about relationships, mutual respect and an awareness of boundaries should always take priority.