Sexual communication can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to be honest about what you like, but you don’t want to come off as too demanding, too vulnerable, or (worst of all) make things awkward. But here’s the truth: asking for what you want in bed isn’t just about getting better sex, it’s about deepening intimacy, building trust, and making sure you’re both having the best possible experience.
If the thought of saying, “Hey, I’d love it if you did this…” makes you break into a cold sweat, don’t worry. You’re not alone. A lot of people struggle with voicing their desires, whether it’s out of fear of judgment, rejection, or just not knowing how to put it into words. The good news? Talking about sex doesn’t have to be cringeworthy or clinical. It can be natural, even sexy. Here’s how to do it in a way that feels good for everyone involved.
Start With Yourself
Before you can communicate what you want, you have to actually know what you want. That might sound obvious, but many people go through their sex lives without ever really taking the time to explore their own desires.
Spend some time thinking about what excites you, what turns you on, and what feels good in your body. Pay attention to the little things like how different types of touch feel, the kinds of words that make you feel sexy, the rhythms and sensations that bring you pleasure. Solo exploration can help with this, but so can simply paying attention during partnered sex.
Once you have a clearer idea of what you enjoy, you’ll feel more confident expressing it. And if you’re unsure? That’s okay too. Exploring together can be part of the fun.
Normalize Sexual Communication
Sexual communication feels awkward when it’s treated like some forbidden topic. The more you make conversations about sex a regular part of your relationship, the easier it becomes.
You don’t have to sit down for a formal “sex talk” (unless you want to). Instead, try weaving sex into everyday conversations in a way that feels natural. Playfully mention something you fantasized about. Share an article or a steamy scene from a book. Say, “That thing you did last night? Amazing. Do that again.” These little moments build comfort and make deeper conversations less intimidating when they happen.
Choose the Right Moment
Bringing up your deepest desires in the middle of sex, or worse, right after, can sometimes backfire. In the heat of the moment, your partner might be too focused to take in what you’re saying, or they might misinterpret feedback as criticism.
Instead, choose a time when you’re both relaxed and open to conversation. Maybe while cuddling after sex, over coffee in the morning, or during a casual evening chat. The goal is to make the conversation feel organic, not like a performance review.
Use Positive Framing
No one likes to feel like they’re being criticized, especially when it comes to sex. Instead of framing things as what’s not working, focus on what you love and want more of.
Instead of, “I don’t really like when you do that,” try, “It feels incredible when you do this.” Instead of, “You never go down on me,” try, “I love it when you go down on me, it drives me wild.” Positive framing not only makes your partner more receptive, but it also turns the conversation into a turn-on rather than a critique.
Make It a Two-Way Street
As much as you might want to express your desires, it’s just as important to invite your partner to share theirs. Make it a conversation, not just a request list.
You could ask, “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try?” or “What turns you on the most?” These questions show that you care about their pleasure too, which makes them more likely to be open to exploring yours.
If your partner is shy about sharing, lead by example. Sometimes, hearing someone else talk about their desires gives people permission to voice their own.
Use Nonverbal Cues
Not all communication has to be verbal. In the moment, your body can say a lot. Guiding your partner’s hand, adjusting your position, or letting out a moan of encouragement can be just as effective as words.
That being said, nonverbal cues work best when paired with clear communication and consent. If you’re hoping for a big change in your sex life, don’t rely on hints alone, make sure to actually talk about it too.
Give It Time
Not every conversation about sex is going to be smooth, and that’s okay. Sometimes people need time to process new ideas or desires. If your partner seems unsure or hesitant, don’t take it as rejection. Let them sit with it, and bring it up again later in a way that feels natural.
Sexual communication is an ongoing process, not a one-time conversation. As you both grow and change, your desires will too. Keeping the dialogue open ensures that your sex life stays exciting, connected, and fulfilling.
Own Your Pleasure
At the end of the day, asking for what you want in bed is about taking ownership of your pleasure. It’s about valuing your desires and trusting that they matter. When you communicate openly, you’re not just advocating for better sex, you’re fostering intimacy, building trust, and creating a space where both you and your partner can be fully, authentically yourselves.
So go ahead. Ask. Explore. Play. Your pleasure is worth it!
