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Deep Space
I try, very hard, to be what you want. I try so hard sometimes I can’t see myself; a shimmering mirage, a glittering lie. I try to make it true, to come together in the shape you crave, to say the words you need to hear to know that this is real. It’s so real that the space between us is deafening, a silence so heavy it has its own gravity.
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#SOSS – Sorry, Not Sorry
Every week I feel guilty if I don’t do a post for Share Our Shit Saturday. On weeks that I have my own shit together enough to share my love of other writer’s shit, I still feel guilty. I love the concept of #SOSS and #FF and all the celebratory shout out prompts and memes that keep many of us motivated and engaged in the community. What I don’t love, is seeing how much we judge ourselves and our contributions. Every week, someone, usually several someones, are apologising on Twitter for not doing an #SOSS post or only commenting on a handful of #SinfulSunday posts, or not getting something written…
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The Healing Power of Ritual
I have always craved ritual, craved it in a deep and significant way, for as long as I can remember. My entirely secular upbringing, by unsentimental ex-catholics, meant that nothing felt sacred, nothing had any pomp or circumstance to it. The idea of imbuing an object or practice with significance or creating ritual was absurd to them, it was a trapping they had both wrenched free of as adolescents and they could not fathom, and would not indulge, my desire for the opposite. I craved the richness and anticipation of ritual and found tiny ways to privately ritualize everyday things. I romanticized simple chores and tasks and took time to…
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Too Shy
I’m too shy. I want you to watch, but I’m too shy. I want to see your slow smile as my hand slips beneath the soft cotton of my panties. I want to make you lick your lips and gnaw at them. I want to make you wait. But I’m too shy. My mind’s eye is brimming with lusty tears, wet and ready to overflow at your say-so. All I need do is imagine the way you’d sink back into your seat and get comfortable, enjoying my performance, watching me touch as you watch me, caught in a loop of angst and exhibitionism. But I’m too shy. My fingers are…
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Convention Compersion
I am not well versed in FOMO (the fear of missing out). When I feel it, which is very rare and always very specific, it’s incredibly uncomfortable and hard to deal with. This is the third (fourth?) year that I have shared in the excitement of my fellow sex bloggers as they prepare for their pilgrimage to Eroticon and every year I try really hard to be excited for everyone, to feel and share “convention compersion”, to take interest in what they are preparing to present, to cheerlead everyone through their nerves. And every year it catches up to me. And every year I’m sad. I don’t travel well, I…
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Masochism: Not All Pain is Good Pain
{Content Warning: self harm, masochism, abuse. All references are my own and not intended to summarize or speak for any other person’s experiences.} As someone who must actively manage, and have help managing, their mental health, the correlations with kink and sex and want and need, have all been prominent concepts for me for awhile. The discovery that I was, in fact, quite masochistic in certain settings, was very uncomfortable at first, in no small part because I have a history of self harm. My harm came in a few forms, some bigger and scarier than others, but all of them were exhausting, all of them were painful and none…
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Primal Regression and Submission
If I were to tell someone new to kink and kinky exploration just one thing, one tip, one suggestion to help them on their journey, it would be to keep an open mind. I don’t mean being open minded about new ideas and not yucking others’ yums, that is the price of admission to the kinkster community. I mean staying open minded about yourself. I recently opened up about some changes and realizations in my own kink odyssey and it has been wonderful to let go of my FemDom self that I struggled with so much. I haven’t made her disappear entirely, but she’s been put out to pasture indefinitely…
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Setting Blogging Goals and Sticking to Them
Isn’t it interesting how basically everyone on the internet heaved a collective sigh that 2018 was coming to a close? I certainly did; it was one hell of a bumpy ride and one of the hardest years I have ever had professionally and personally. To be honest, the latter half of 2017 was no picnic either, but 2019, like most “fresh starts” has been unfurled before us, ours to make the most of. I like to get the feel for a new year before I tackle new ideas and goals – I don’t like to declare resolutions because I’m not convinced they work. I like the spirit of resolutions but…
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Exploring New Territory
I love exploring with new partners. I certainly enjoy touch and ongoing exploration with The Evergreens* as well, but new lovers are so much fun to play and learn with. I feel no shame in saying that variety and new experiences are part of why non-monogamy has been my life and philosophy for over twenty years. When it comes to the exploration of a new partner, whether it’s casual, or more serious, a play session or purposefully bonding lovemaking, there is no exploration I enjoy more than learning the nuances, needs and desires of a submissive man. Underneath your clothes There’s an endless story There’s the man I chose…
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Words Hurt
Trigger/Content Warning: child abuse, verbal abuse, eating disorders, body dysmorphia I’d like to thank all of you who commented and tweeted kind and healing words in response to my post the other day about my anxiety about doctor visits and body autonomy. It was a hard post to write and share and it’s been interesting since because it’s sort of opened the flood gates, as if by writing that post I was allowing myself to really look at that trauma and see it for what it was: child abuse. I’ve decided to share everything I can remember in terms of how my parents modelled negative relationships with food, fatphobia, ignorance…
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Why I’ll Never Have A Medical Fetish
I had an appointment yesterday with a new doctor. No cause for alarm, just establishing a connection; we moved last spring and it was time to check that off the ever present to-do list. If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen my tweet seeking good vibes and comforting thoughts because the prospect of being in a doctor’s office invariably panics me. I survived, but not without having a meltdown. My husband took the day off work to go with me, and I’m so glad he did. His pep talk in the car on the way there was sweet reminding me that doctors work for us, and not…
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The Problem with Sex Writing
I started #JanuaryJumpStart to kick my own ass into gear and get back into the discipline of writing daily after the luxuriant holidays and a bit of a dry spell. Well, the egg is on my face, friends: I’m struggling. I know it’s not pass or fail and I’m certainly not judging any of the other writers who are contributing if they are not doing so daily, but I thought I’d make it at least through the first week. Not so. The trouble for me is twofold. Firstly, if I’m not feeling very sexy, I struggle to write sexy stuff. You know how on Seinfeld, George over packs for the…