• autobiographical,  Every Damn Day In June 2019,  Sex and Mental Health

    The other CBT (as in, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

    CONTENT WARNING: breakups, negative self-talk, depression, anxiety, invasive thoughts, self doubt A new-ish relationship (7 weeks or so) of mine ended yesterday. It was an online DD/lg connection and “Daddy” cut me loose. He wasn’t cruel, he didn’t belabour it. It was tidy and kind and reasonable. I was taking up a lot of time and energy that he no longer had for me. Totally fine. I didn’t freak out or take cheap shots. I told him I understood and I hoped he found what he needed. I made some distance (unfollowed on some, but not all, social media channels, changed my bios, deleted the app we talked on, etc.)…

  • Every Damn Day In June 2019,  Sex and Mental Health

    Under Pressure – Every Damn Day In June – 11/30

    If I had a dollar for every time someone who cared about me said ” You’re putting too much pressure on yourself.” I would be a rich woman. Teachers, family, my friends, partners, colleagues, bosses, mentors, everyone. My personal sense of success is a huge factor in the direction my mental health moves. If I feel, or even smell, a whiff of “failure”, I spiral. I’m pretty transparent about my mental health here and on social media; it is a flexible, malleable thing with ups and downs. What’s interesting is how, over time, the ups and downs change and shift. I used to spiral down deep and stay there, anxious…

  • autobiographical,  Sex and Mental Health,  Thoughts

    Masochism: Not All Pain is Good Pain

    {Content Warning: self harm, masochism, abuse. All references are my own and not intended to summarize or speak for any other person’s experiences.} As someone who must actively manage, and have help managing, their mental health, the correlations with kink and sex and want and need, have all been prominent concepts for me for awhile. The discovery that I was, in fact, quite masochistic in certain settings, was very uncomfortable at first, in no small part because I have a history of self harm. My harm came in a few forms, some bigger and scarier than others, but all of them were exhausting, all of them were painful and none…