Kinky Horoscopes for April Kinky Horoscopes for April Kinky Horoscopes for April Kinky Horoscopes for April
Hang onto your ass-less chaps, folks! The heavens are in flux, as always, and they are sending some wild and wonderful energies our way. We’ve crash landed into Aries Season and that can either put a spring in one’s step, or a stick in the spokes, so to speak. Add some kinky energy fuelling our most base needs and desires, and the complexity of simply being human, and the intensity of the next month starts to come into focus. With more than 3 weeks of Mercury in retrograde, a total solar eclipse and a new moon aligning on April 8th, there’s a lot going on. Buckle up, Buttercup: The safeword is “chaos”!
Aries
You’re not always the most romantic but you are on course to find more romance than usual. Keep your eyes (and heart and loins!) open for a new spark but beware your “Squirrel!” syndrome: newer isn’t necessarily better. Always the go-getter, you’ve been working hard on real life things like money, the future, the securities of life. Give yourself some “me time” to reconnect with your body and with pleasure, you need it. Treat yourself with something sensual but don’t forget to slow down to enjoy it!
To-Do: Make time for sex and pleasure – put it in your calendar if you must, buy that toy you’ve been curious about.
Affirmation: I am worthy of self-investment and I deserve to enjoy what my body can do for me.
Taurus
Busy, busy, busy! Your plate is full, but is it the meal you want to be eating? Your ruling planet, Venus, makes themself known this month so don’t be surprised if you want to skip straight to “dessert”. Enjoy the fruits of your labours and let that juice run down your chin! Get sexy, get sticky, indulge. What’s that? You want even more? You get what you give: be generous and sensitive to yourself and others and you’ll soon find yourself waist deep in all the ooey gooey pleasure of the upcoming Taurean season.
To Do: Stock up on lube!
Affirmation: I am a generous lover, worthy of all the sensual delights I experience.
Gemini
If you’ve been feeling extra uncomfortable with Mercury in all its 50 shades of retrograde, don’t be alarmed – your frustrations with expressing yourself will be alleviated mid month – however, retrogrades are valuable for reflection. This is a good time to start thinking about how you share your needs and inner thoughts, and time to look at what holds you back from the connections you really want. This is a good time to seek community. You’re sexy and charming: take the leap, they’re waiting to meet you.
To Do: Go to a munch, take a kinky class, get involved and soothe the social restlessness you’re feeling.
Affirmation: I honour my desires and express myself honestly.
Cancer
You’re growing, Little Crab, and your current shell is feeling snug. It’s prime time to embrace change and invest some energy in yourself, just don’t forget to share your vision and help the people who care about you understand what those changes mean. Trust yourself and make room for vulnerability, it will only make you more desirable and help you attract the experiences and people that you desire. And those oddly deep and dark fantasies that have flicked through your mind lately? Keep examining them and make them happen, but pace yourself, and don’t break the bank.
To-Do: Try keeping a fantasy journal to help get those sexy thoughts out of the clouds and turned into something real.
Affirmation: I am safe to share myself with people because I know I can trust my intuition.
Leo
This is your time to shine, you sexy beast! As the song says, “groove is in the heart”, and you are in the midst of finding a new rhythm and a new outlook that is soul satisfying and future focused. Let the empty space in your chest, the one you’ve been trying to ignore, fill up with sunlight and enjoy it as it warms up your sexual side too. Don’t be surprised if you bring new moths to your flame, you’re extra dazzling right now, let that fuel your desires!
To-Do: As always, dress to impress!
Affirmation: I am a magnetic, sexual creature and gosh darn it, people like me.
Virgo
Your strength and charm is on the upswing, Virgo, time to shed the tattered robe of self analysis you’ve been lurking around in lately and remind the world what you are made of. This isn’t the time to start a new venture or take any big risks, but maintaining your higher than average standards is important right now. Soothe yourself with company as charming as you are and don’t forget that not everyone is worth your time.
To-Do: Cancel plans with people you don’t feel like seeing; if they don’t understand, they aren’t your people.
Affirmation: I attract the affection and positive attention that I deserve.
Libra
If you’re feeling a bit touch starved and like you’re always the one pampering and never the one being pampered, perhaps it’s time to get a bit more selfish than you’re generally comfortable with. Your natural diplomacy is a gift and a curse – speak up! You may want things to always feel balanced and equal but there is joy, and freedom in letting go a bit. You’re in a short phase of self discovery, maybe it’s time to try something new. You know what you want. Just take it, it’s there, waiting for you. And remember: if it’s over, it’s over. You know what that means.
To Do: Challenge yourself to get uncomfortable, reward yourself with something that feels good, either to your body or soul.
Affirmation: My needs are not unreasonable, I attract and enjoy the things I need.
Scorpio
You’ve been doubling down on work and other energies that take you away from the dark and holy parts of your Self. Stop that. Your body misses you. Reconnect to your sensuality and sexuality and invest time in ploughing the soft earth of your fields, planting what needs to grow. You may think you don’t know what crops to sow but you’ve been saving these seeds for a long time. Be brave and get your hands dirty.
To Do: Wank, spank, suck, fuck, whatever it takes to get your blood boiling again, you’ve been quietly simmering too long.
Affirmation: I know my needs, I know my limits. I can explore my sexuality safely and I am immune to the opinions of others.
Sagittarius
Spoiler alert: you’re nearing your breaking point. Make proactive choices around stress and health. Get that beautiful body moving and relaxing. Is self-care your new kink? Maybe it should be. You’d rather someone else did it for you but somethings can’t be outsourced. If you’re feeling un-appreciated, that’s your keen sense for knowing other people’s motives. Don’t let suspicion and bitterness rule you, especially when you have some healing to do. Enjoy making yourself a priority (more than usual) and fuck the haters, but not literally, you don’t need that negativity in your life.
To Do: Turn off your phone, log off your dating apps, and resist social super-saturation.
Affirmation: The light in me is bright, I need not dim myself for others
Capricorn
Your head may be in the clouds more than usual right now, but your feet are always firmly planted. If things feel turbulent, remember that you are like a tree in the wind – you can bend a lot before you break. You may struggle with your usual self discipline this month but you risk discomfort if you get too free and breezy, so keep things tactile and real. If impact play is your jam, you may find it or other intense forms of play and sexual expression are particularly attractive right now.
To Do: Go with your gut and let out the primal yell you’re choking on. Listen to what you say when you think no one is listening.
Affirmation: I trust my path even when I don’t know what the journey entails.
Aquarius
Sometimes, in an effort to give, you actually take; sometimes in an effort to listen, you can’t help but speak. You should be the center of your own universe when you’re alone, but as soon as you share in the world around you, it is your responsibility to see how others exist. Compromise may feel beneath you because you’re such a heavenly creature, but don’t forget you’re earthbound, Angel. Testing people and making them jump through your glittering hoops will get old quickly. If you want to get your way, endear yourself to others. How? You know the answers, but again, you’re just not listening.
Affirmation: To be my own best friend I must stop being my own worst enemy.
Pisces
Discipline is not your strong suit, and neither is staying the course, but both these skills are needed at the forefront right now. Dive deep, fish friends; you have everything you need to succeed. Your insatiable pursuit of beauty and truth serves you well and will get you the results that you want, especially in health, sex and fitness. Don’t fear feelings of vanity, that’s just you seeing what everyone else already knows about you. Jump right in, the water’s fine.
To Do: Push your physical limits or find someone to push them for you. Don’t fear the tide of pain, swim through it to calmer seas.
Affirmation: Sex is the new cardio and I love to work out.
Psst …. I’m not a pro astrologer, I’m not even much of a novice, so consider these just for fun. Unless they feel accurate, in which case I was right all along! /s
