NRE is the initialism given to New Relationship Energy, but what exactly is it? In short, it’s that intense excitement you feel when you’re in the beginning phases of a new relationship. But, like all human experiences and interactions, there’s tons of nuance and context to be considered. Let’s get into it!
NRE in Monogamy vs ENM
In monogamy, we often hear about NRE but it’s referred to as The Honeymoon Phase, a reference to the brief but blissful (and traditionally, fertile) period as newlyweds.
The primary difference between that and NRE in (ethical) non monogamy is that NRE is something that is felt by not just the two people making the connection. NRE can be a shared experience in a throuple/triad, where everyone is having NRE feelings about each other, in other models it can also be something that partners outside of the new relationship feel and experience; positively, negatively, or both.
Example: Brad and Janet have been dating for awhile and they’ve decided to pursue a connection with Rocky, who is excited to be dating both of them. In this situation Brad and Janet are likely to each feel NRE about Rocky, and Rocky will feel NRE for each of them. Because Brand and Janet are not “new” to each other, they may each be focusing on Rocky which could lead to either one – or both of them – feeling any number of feelings from jealousy to possessiveness to compersion, and more. Likewise, Rocky may feel conflicted if he feels a stronger connection to either Brad or Janet or, if he feels favouritism from either of them. It’s also not impossible for Brad and/or Janet to feel a rekindled sense of NRE for each other as they share in the experience of including Rocky and building relationships with him. Add to that the fact that everyone feels their NRE differently and communicates differently and you have a very nuanced situation on your hands!
NRE can also cause ripples through a polycule; sometimes they are refreshing and positive and everyone is happy about it. Other times, NRE can be disruptive and challenging.
Example: Janet, Brad, and Rocky are happily living their best throuple life, when Rocky meets Eddie and is swept off his feet. Brad gets jealous of Rocky and Eddie’s new connection because he is still really feeling NRE for Rocky. He resents their lovey-dovey NRE and feels left out, whereas Janet is happy for Rocky and Eddie and encourages them to spend time together. She’s hurt when Brad expresses that she seems to be ‘taking Rocky’s side’. While Brad sulks and Janet feels happy but also put in the middle, Rocky is oblivious to all of it because he’s lost in the NRE that he and Eddie are beaming back and forth at each other.
Ultimately, NRE is neither good, nor bad. It simply is. How you identify it, manage it, and communicate about it is what matters.
NRE Happens To The Best Of Us
No one is completely impervious to NRE, but it doesn’t always manifest the same way for everyone. Most of us are familiar with the intense excitement and heightened arousal of new connections; that excited, twitterpated, semi-delusional state of giddiness that is a highlight of every romcom ever. We gush about them, bring them up almost too often, watch our phones for messages, and read into every detail. Other people feel NRE as more of an anxious sensation. As exciting as it is, it can also prompt feelings of guilt, shame, worry, and general overwhelm. It can also be a combination of both! Some people feel so consumed by their NRE that they (temporarily) drop the ball in other areas, including other relationships. Folks who are self aware about how NRE affects them may feel anxious about letting someone down or hurting someone’s feelings. Likewise, the partner(s) of someone who is experiencing NRE can have a whole spectrum of emotions about the situation too.
Betrayed By Brain Chemistry
NRE is so common because it is brought on by the physical changes in brain chemistry when we are stimulated by new emotional connections. The excitement of connection makes our brains flood with dopamine, the brain chemical partly responsible for motivation, pleasure, and satisfaction. The more we feel the more we want, so the desire we feel in NRE becomes self perpetuating. That’s why it can feel so energising and thrilling (or frightening!), because we don’t feel fully in control. Some people chase that feeling of being out of control, and others avoid it. Luckily, this dopamine saturated state is not sustainable. After a period of intense excitement there can sometimes be a hard emotional crash. No matter how it starts or ends, NRE can last days, weeks, months, even years, depending on the situation and the people involved.
Red Flags and Rose Colored Glasses
NRE is not only common, it’s ubiquitous with most romantic relationships, monogamous and non-monog, alike. As such, it can cloud our judgement when it comes to seeing red flags for what they are. Sometimes the excitement and arousal that we feel from new relationship energy allows us to make excuses or overlook things that we would normally take issue with. That can mean anything from dropping your friends in lieu of spending time with your new lover, to coming up short on significant familial responsibilities like child care or other important, but seemingly mundane things. The steady influx of dopamine and serotonin can energise us and distract us from less positive or exciting facets of life, including other people, jobs, responsibilities, etc. Is it common for someone to throw away their whole life based on NRE? Not necessarily but it can happen. Sometimes the intoxication of infatuation is completely overwhelming and people make terrible mistakes. Likewise the anxiety that NRE can cause can limit people’s of ability to be as vulnerable as they want or need to be in that new relationship. No matter how you slice it, NRE is complex and comes with lots of nuance and context dependent outcomes. It’s also incredibly human and normal to experience it, as well as normal to not know how to deal with it.
Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?
We all know that communication and honesty are integral parts of successful relationships, be they new or old, monogamous or not. we know that lying and withholding is not the way forward, but is honesty always the best policy when dealing with a temporary situation like NRE? Non-monogamy tends to centre communication and honesty as the baseline for relationships. There’s also a sense of personal responsibility in non-monogamy, to process your feelings yourself and examine them, before sharing them. This is not a strategy that only works in non-monogamy, but it’s particularly helpful because by design, non-monogamy involves multiple people in the same emotional relationship space. This is not to say that non monogamous relationships are not supportive or transparent, in fact that is almost always the goal. However, the skill of sitting with your emotions and processing them without the influence of your partner(s), and without the opportunity to shift responsibility for your feelings to your partner(s), is something that many non-monogamous people find helpful. It’s not a reason to lie, it’s not an excuse for withholding one’s feelings, but a lot of hurt and misunderstanding can be spared by taking a little bit of time to see if how you feel, especially if it’s a jealous feeling, can be resolved on your own. Facing your feelings about a relationship situation like someone else’s NRE, is not necessarily easy, or painless, but oftentimes it’s necessary for relationships to exist and evolve respectfully and with personal autonomy.
Managing Big Feelings
NRE is, for some, an incredibly overwhelming state to be in. It can bring up memories of past hurt or betrayal, it can trigger negative and poorly controlled responses, and it can take a lot of energy. NRE is also a particular facet of non-monogamy that can add stress and propagate codependent behaviours, if it’s not actively managed. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences non-monogamy or new relationship energy is codependent or will end up codependent in their relationships. However, the ability to self regulate and manage your own feelings without your partner’s participation is rather important for a functional, interdependent relationship. Asking for support and reassurance from a place of clarity and self-understanding is entirely different than mismanaging feelings and lashing out from hurt, confusion, or fear. Talking through NRE and talking about NRE, both your own and your partners, can go a long way in creating understanding and trust in intimate relationships.
Non Toxic Communication
Since new relationship energy can prompt different feelings in different people, there’s no one clear or obvious way to communicate about it. Expressing your own NRE to existing partners or friends, family, etc. is acceptable, but like any topic, it’s important to read the room. This is never more important than when you are expressing NRE around other partners who are witness to your new relationship but not included. Within non-monogamy, particularly in polyamory, it’s not uncommon for there to be tension between the desire to share, and the desire not to hurt anyone’s feelings or overstep boundaries. On the flip side, when your partner has a new partner, it may make you feel some kind of way, but you may also be happy for them and want it to work out. It seems complicated but it’s absolutely possible for both of these feelings to exist at once, hence the complexity and nuance of NRE. Because the feelings can be conflicting and therefore confusing, how we communicate and set boundaries regarding new relationship energy is of particular importance.
Blame vs Boundaries
Experiencing your partner experiencing NRE can be hard, no questions asked. It can bring up all kinds of memories and feelings and questions, and it can upset and perplex even the most seasoned non-monogamists. That’s the thing about feelings, we never know exactly how they’re going to be, all we can do is manage how we respond to them. When someone else’s behaviour or actions elicit a strong emotional response, the knee-jerk response is to respond with blame. “You make me feel ____. ” is easier than saying “I feel _____ when you _____, because ______.” Blame is not an ideal solution for hurt or conflict, because blame is not an investigation of feelings, it is the deflection of responsibility for one’s feelings. When we blame people for how we feel, we are externalising those feelings and pinning them onto the other person. For relationships to be transparent and productive, each member needs to take responsibility for how they feel and how they respond when they are deep in their feelings.
Every polyamorous relationship is unique, but egalitarian styles in particular centre autonomy and personal responsibility. As such, many favour boundaries over blame. Where blame is about the other person, boundaries are about you. That’s why when you’re emotionally elevated or triggered, blaming someone else doesn’t actually make you feel more in control. Asserting a boundary, therefore expressing your personal limitations regardless of the actions of the other person, immediately grants you personal power to work through the issue with. For lots of people this is easier said than done because blame is so immediate and easy, and setting boundaries requires self-awareness, articulating your feelings, and standing by your convictions. In order to set healthy boundaries you have to be prepared to agree to disagree, and that’s not something everyone knows how to do. Luckily, if you want to be able to do these things, you can learn. These are skills, not inherent talents or personality traits. Some people may find it easier to do because of how they were raised to express themselves, or by virtue of their personality type, but anyone and everyone can learn how to set boundaries if they’re willing to do the work.
Making Time For Reflection
Managing any sort of significant emotion generally requires self reflection. Trying to approach feelings about NRE objectively, from both points of view can be a valuable exercise. Even recognizing whether you are an excitable, happy NRE person or someone who feels a bit more anxious, can be really valuable information to know about yourself and share with existing and future partners. Another valuable strategy can be engaging your metamours on the topic of NRE. Whether you’re filled with compersion or wracked with jealousy, finding common ground with your partner’s partner about how a new relationship is impacting everyone, can be both bonding and healing.
Talk about your NRE
Considering how almost universal new relationship energy is, it’s not talked about very much, nor in the most supportive tones. Understanding how NRE impacts you personally and within a polycule is great information to share with your partners and people you’re beginning to connect with. Likewise, asking other people how they process NRE and what some of their experiences have been can provide context that makes for more understanding and compassion, over judgement or isolation. New relationship energy can be hard to manage, it’s not always comfortable and it’s not always welcome. However, whether we like it or not it’s part of connecting with people and becomes a particularly salient point when we’re connecting with more than one person. There’s no shame in feeling or responding to NRE and no one handles it perfectly every time. The thing about human relationships is that they’re messy sometimes and the very human combination of fear and excitement as we become intimate with someone, or watch someone we love increase intimacy with someone else, can be overwhelming. If you’re overwhelmed, know that you’re not alone, and if you’re worried about expressing your feelings about NRE, be patient with yourself. Give yourself some time and some grace to put your thoughts together, and have the courage to share your feelings. Love is not a finite resource, and while it may not always feel like it, there’s always more than enough to go around.
