This post was previously published in 2019 and has been updated and expanded.
I am not a monogamous person. I never have been. I’m one of those people who just fundamentally does not connect with monogamy, it doesn’t make sense to me. Polyamory and non monogamy are much more aligned with who I am. I have been non-monogamous since before I had the words for it.
My early teens and first loves and relationships were functionally monogamous but I can’t recall ever loving or wanting just one person. It was hard, at about 14 years old, to realise that what I felt I wanted, needed and could give was not only foreign and seemingly impossible to my peers, but was completely unacceptable. So I held my tongue. I dated. And I cheated. I hid who I was, all the while not having vocabulary to express myself. Generally I felt unfulfilled by the conditional love and affection of youth. I dabbled in fooling around with girls, thinking maybe guys were the problem, but everywhere I turned, “love” was possessive and spiteful and filled with expectations and excuses. It was exhausting, yet I was so driven by desire and interest in intimacy, that I choked down a few monogamous relationships and resigned myself to the fact that I’d meet The One someday and that would be it, problem solved.
Fast forward a couple decades and here I am, in valuable and healthy long term relationships with committed, kind, generous people, yet many would denounce my “lifestyle” and reject the validity of these connections simply because they don’t fit the mould.
Meet The Evergreens
I have four Life Partners whom I refer to collectively as The Evergreens. Here’s a bit on each of them:
Polysaturation is real
In addition to the above people, I also date and am often open to FWB and other relationships. I’m currently not dating outside my polycule and I have sworn off new romantic/sexual/kink connections for the foreseeable future. I know my limits and I need a break. This is known as polysaturation. Lots of folks think that non monogamy and polyamory has to mean “the more the merrier”. While love is not a finite resource, time is.
Polyamory is definitely not for everyone … and that’s okay!
You may be reading this and thinking “How the heck?!?” If I had a nickel for every time that someone said “Wow, that sounds like a lot of work …” To that I say : Yes it is. I will also say this: It is absolutely worth the effort and I can’t imagine living or loving any other way. Relationships are work. Period. They require effort and motivation and thought but when they are healthy and happy and everyone has what they want and need, that’s an awesome feeling. I am so unbelievably lucky to love and be loved by these people.
The polyamory topic is too big for a single post … but lets keep talking about it
This is just the tiniest peek into one polyam constellation, each one is different and unique, and I have so much more to say about all of it. If any part of this has piqued your interest or if you have questions about how this all works, etc, please leave them in the comments below and I will put together another post addressing them. Feel free to ask anything and express your thoughts (respectfully) here. It’s a big topic and one I am keen to write on, but where does on begin? Let me know if you have any ideas on what I might talk about next.