I’m a soldier of love
Every day and night
I’m a soldier of love
All the days of my life
I am lost but I don’t doubt, oh
Tall I ride, I have the will to survive
In the wild, wild west
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive
I am love’s soldier

Thinking about love today, how much of it surrounds me, and how much I have to give. I’m also mulling the fact that you can’t change how someone loves you or how they show their love.
I recently ended a two year relationship and my heart still feels sick over it. I can’t help feeling like I gave up on him, and that he would never have given up on me. But it wasn’t a new issue that finally pushed it to the brink. It was one we had circled back to time and again. He just wouldn’t let me in. 
How long should one wait for vulnerability and openness? How many times should we ask to be acknowledged or validated as a fixture in their life? Maybe I should have waited longer or worked harder, but the more it went on, the more it felt like he was never going to extend significant intimacy to me. It’s hard to say what you need, it’s harder still to have them say “I won’t give you that.” I was not perfect either, I know that, but I don’t regret how much love I gave him, nor do I regret trying as hard as we did for as long as we did. 
Sometimes how we love is simply not compatible.

Lyrics are from Soldier of Love by Sade. Listen here.

Every Damn Day in June
This post is part of Every Damn Day in June, hosted by the incomparable, Molly Moore. All month long I’m thinking out loud about life, love, sex, and kink. Won’t you join me?Click the badge to read the other bloggers writing every damn day this month!

Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.