A week ago I was prepared to cancel January Jumpstart, drop the hosting of this site and give up. Turns out I just needed a snack and a nap, but it got me thinking about whether or not any of this is still a good idea. I thought back over 2021 and cited several low spots where the connection between my inherent human value and my value as a sex blogger became blurred. I often feel that I have shown or expressed too much, and yet not enough, of myself here. It’s a strange paradox, one that has been hard on my self esteem and given me lots of thoughts to overthink.
Authenticity is my theme for 2022. In life, in sex, in relationships, all of it. If it’s not 100% real and I can’t be real about it, it’s not for me. I have stressed and agonised over this website and the content I produce, what that means to me, how I feel about myself, etc. But now I have realised that I’m tired of worrying about what people think of me or if people will assume things about me. I’m sick of concerning myself with people that don’t know me or care about me. It’s exhausting to care so much! I was reminded by a twitter follower recently that I ‘always’ stress and threaten to stop blogging as “a ploy for attention.” This made me laugh because fuck attention, my ups and downs are the product of lifetime of mental illness and a dark sense of humour to match. Attention is not an issue. In fact, I often hold back to avoid attention. But all of that is about to change …
I’m taking a new approach. I’m committed to being more true to myself, even if it’s not what someone else likes, appreciates or understands. In this space that means learning to talk about my body, my kinks and my sexuality in a different, more neutral and/or positive way. This change is a process, one that includes the realisation that I have been disingenuous and self sacrificing in sex and kink in the past. I have done things I didn’t want to do. I have lied about my interest, willingness, ability, etc. just to not rock the boat. At times I have allowed my own needs and desires to be compromised, sometimes even my personal values, out of fear, shame, and an inability to say no. How can I write about and encourage radical self love and acceptance if I hold back, censor myself, and tell myself terrible lies? Hence, a goal of greater authenticity. But how?
Cultivating self honesty and authenticity seems like something that should be easy but it can be surprisingly difficult. I have been reading on this topic and the main thing to accept is that trial and error is real and that expecting perfection is a recipe for disappointment. Authenticity takes courage and I am not always courageous, but I have to try. I simply have to find a way to love myself more and move past the wounds that keep me in an anxious self-loathing place.
So, as you can see, I haven’t killed the site. I haven’t cancelled January Jumpstart or stopped blogging. I have, however, re-framed my perspective and challenged myself to use this space as the resource it is and continue to grow it, and myself. I have no idea what exactly a more authentic Violet will be like, but I can’t wait to meet her.