Ours is not the most rigidly structured of D/s relationships. While we do have  Just Us Things that provide a frame work, new “rules” don’t often come up. In the spirit of growth and development, I recently asked Him for something I wanted. It was nothing big, something I’d describe as a micro kink … but I got it!


I don’t even really know why this detail matters to me, but the restriction from wearing something ‘proper’ or ‘normal’ like panties feels naughty in a deliciously minimal way. It’s a small gesture that affirms the existence of His control, a reminder that even the smallest and most innocuous details are within His jurisdiction. The irony is that I almost never wear underwear anymore, unless I’m wearing jeans (ew! gross, never!), so as a “rule” it’s kind of useless, but it’s really not about the panties.

We both get a thrill out of control. For Him, It’s about having it and being able to be indulgent and magnanimous or sadistically tight-fisted with Our pleasure, as He sees fit. If you read the above text snippet carefully, you’ll notice that His response is very measured: He responds in the affirmative, asks for my input (usually to do with bandwidth, my self expectations, etc.), takes my input, and then adds a condition. His decisions are always measured and sure and made with my best interest in mind, but they are still His and not mine. I got what I asked for, but it’s still on His terms, and He upped the ante: not only do I now require permission to wear panties, it now also has to be at His behest. *swoon*

To me, this is a microcosm of our greater Dynamic and an illustration of how control works for me as a kink. I am an expressive person. I struggle to keep thoughts, dreams, ideas, and desires to myself. I’m also a bit impulsive and I generally lack discipline, approaching life in a chaotic, right-brain way. I’m also quite neurotic and I need to feel grounded in the things I’m passionate about. When I am direct and honest about what I need, He always delivers in one way or another. Sometimes I get what I ask for, other times I don’t, but I know that if I ask, He will give me a final decision either way. His control, being controlled, having to ask permission, all of His words and actions that reduce my agency, excite me. I’m a slut for His control.

I’m working on asking for what I want or need. It’s not something that comes naturally to me, but I can see the value in improving it, and it certainly makes communication easier. It saves Him having to read my mind and it gives me a nibble of that agency I so desperately want Him to strip me of. I used to worry that I was “topping from the bottom” by asking for things. Asking for understanding and accommodation felt like an imposition. In past D/s dynamics I have felt sometimes overlooked and silenced, but ours is a very equal footing. Luckily for me, His patient determination is paying off, because I’m getting quite bold and starting to internalize that I may be a kinky little Princess, I may be a needy little Princess, but I am not a burden.

Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.