#JanuaryJumpstart Day 6: When We first began our relationship and quickly began to discuss and include D/s in the structure of our connection, He said something that made me pause. He said, “This is your true nature.” But was it really that simple?

At the time, I wasn’t sure if He was right about that. I knew I was a Switch and I hoped that I had the capacity to submit to Him in a way that was fruitful for both of us, but I wasn’t sure that submission was my ‘true nature’. I was also a bit taken aback that He would make such a definitive statement so early on. He didn’t say it as if He was dictating it, He said it as if it was simply an observation. I chose to trust Him and keep examining that concept.

As the conversations deepened and we talked about it more and tried more things, adding tasks and rituals, reflecting and discussing, that statement stuck with me. I considered it a lot, and I began to worry that He was wrong, and what if it wasn’t a natural enough state for me to be able to submit as we both wanted me to? In time, we discussed it more plainly and I came to see that as much as it scared me to think it had been my ‘nature’ all along, I had the authority to grant myself permission to lean into it and explore whether that was true for me. I told Him how that felt and He suggested that perhaps I just needed to let go and let the submission find me, instead of searching for it. We discussed my worries about past dynamics and repeating mistakes. He asked that I set all of that aside and look at who and what I was now, and work with that. Through these conversations and little practice tasks and rituals, He helped empower me and build my confidence up to a place where I could be open and accepting of how natural submission is for me.

Seven months in and I now absolutely feel like submission is my default setting. Having looked at myself, my needs, my behaviours, what motivates and comforts me, I can see now that He knew what He was talking about. It’s alarming to have someone look, not through you, but into you, like He did. Like He does. My belief in Him is bottomless, my belief in Us is unwavering, and because He sees me so clearly and reflects myself back to me in a way that builds me up like nothing else, I have come to believe in my submission. I have come to believe in myself.

 

Come to me now
Lay your hands over me
Even if it’s a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

Open the door
Show me your face tonight
I know it’s true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
Will I turn away from you
I’m so heavy tonight
And your love is alright
I do believe

 

lyrics from I Shall Believe, written and performed by Sheryl Crow

Violet

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.