The Kink of the Week topic is fucking. Ooof. I could say so much, and yet, fucking needs almost no introduction, so read on to learn exactly what I mean when I tell you to fuck me …

I know a lot of people will take this topic as an opportunity to write about the fact that fucking is so much more than PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse, and it is, but that’s not where my head is at. I’m fascinated by the politics of the word “fuck” and whether it is active or passive and how power dynamics, be they kink or simply systemic biases, influence how we use the word and what it has come to mean to different people of different demographics and generations. I love that so many people will take an academic approach with this topic and will write brilliant articles on fucking, but I’m feeling a bit more … hedonistic … and personal, than that. Just a bit.

When I was a very young adult, there was discussion floating around that sought to draw very clean lines between The Three Acts of Sex: having sex, making love, and fucking. Sex meant recreation. It was for fun and pleasure and it could be intense, but it was an equal opportunity pleasure, kind of a neutral term. Making love was serious and emotional and something that happened to you, as a woman. He made love to you, not the other way around. And fucking. Well, fucking was the filth. Fucking meant it was fast, naughty, and all about getting off. You could fuck someone you didn’t know or didn’t particularly like and that was fine. But you didn’t fuck your boyfriend, you had sex, or maybe he made love to you, but fucking was reserved for the cheap and cheerful, the one-time-only fun-havers, and was a fast track to getting labelled a slut.

As someone who relished being a slut, I did a lot of fucking. Just saying.

“Fucking” is still in my vocabulary, many years later, but like so much of the sexual education of my youth, that once narrow definition is long gone. There’s no hierarchy in my mind of what sort of sex is best, but if I utter the words, “fuck me” while intimate with someone, what I’m suggesting is rather specific.

What I mean when I tell you to fuck me, is that I want you to fuck me the way you want to fuck me.

It’s not a D/s thing, it’s not really akin to submission, its more a request (or permission?) for you to open up the throttle, immerse yourself in the moment, and get lost in what we are doing. That could mean bottoming out against my cervix and making me squeak with joyful pain or it could mean slowing down so we can taste each others’ skin and make every electric touch last. What I mean when I tell you to fuck me is that I am deeply into the sex we are having and that I just want more of you. However you manifest “more” is up to you. There are no wrong answers. What I mean when I tell you to fuck me is that I want to hear wild abandon in your moans, I want you to match my deep dive. Know that I am on the brink and I want you right there with me, proverbial toes curled over the edge of the diving board. Jump. Fall. Sink into me. I’m ready for you.

Looking back on those adolescent definitions, I can see how “fucking” was given the pejorative meaning, why it was considered crass and uncouth. But where my much younger sensibilities connected that crassness with a lack of care or investment, I now see “fucking” as an expressive term. Fucking is a gesture, fucking is a shape we take when the animals inside us crawl out. Fucking is Bacchanalia, it is a riot, it is what the lizard brain craves and what the mind and heart cannot convey. Fucking is about bodies and smells and tastes and textures. Fucking is the fireworks behind your eyelids and the last fluttering breaths as your bodies pull apart. Fucking is the hunger that both makes us so human and relegates us to the ranks of beasts. Fucking is raw and delicious. Fucking is all consuming, unthinking; it is the dark water we ache to drown in only to strike the surface before it’s too late and gasp, lungs filling with burning air, nerves on fire.

But most of all, what I mean when I tell you to fuck me, is that I don’t want the moment to end and I want you there with me until it does.




The Kink of the Week is ‘Fucking’ and you know that you want to read more. Touch the lips and see who else is sharing about that thing we all love to do.


Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.