Have I mentioned I’m loving #NoTrueWay, the D/s writing prompt that Lillith posts fortnightly? The topics never fail to grab my attention and often the quotes get my blood boiling a bit. The current quote is no exception. Let’s have a look, shall we?

A submissive shouldn’t question a Dominant’s orders.
It’s not a submissive’s position to know what a dominant’s reasons are .
They should just do it and trust the dominant with that decision.

No. Just no.

Certainly some dynamics are set up in such a way that the submissive has consented to following and trusting somewhat blindly; for many, that’s kind of the point. But there is a huge difference between not asking questions and not being allowed to ask questions.

As for not having the right to understand their Dominant’s reasoning? That’s utter bullshit, in my opinion. If you don’t understand how they think and why they do what they do and decide what they decide, how are you to trust them?

There’s obviously a spectrum of directions and “blind” trust. In our dynamic, if He tells me to take my meds and eat breakfast, I do it – because I can clearly see that he is operating in my best interest and there’s not much there to push back on because the direction is transparent. But if I was flat out told to do something that wasn’t pre-negotiated, or didn’t fit within the context of directions/control that we have discussed, I would absolutely press pause and ask questions, and that’s exactly how He would want me to respond. He doesn’t need blind trust in all things because He doesn’t express Dominance through ego. He wants and needs for me to be as much a participant in the dynamic as He is. As much as I love Him and trust Him, if His expectations were that I would do things simply because He said so without the opportunity for clarity, questions, discussion or disagreement, it would not work between us. Our dynamic is built on Him holding responsibility for decisions, but equally it is built on the necessity of communication, which includes me being responsible for questioning things and asking for clarity as needed.

Complete and unquestioning obedience is a sexy D/s concept, and can certainly be fun. Letting go so entirely as a submissive can be very freeing but there are myths and protocols floating around in the BDSM ether that imply that it should always be just that. For a scene, or maybe a weekend, for fun, in a controlled, pre-negotiated way, sure. But as a lifestyle? To me, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. At worst it sounds dangerous, at best it sounds boring. For me the discussion and discourse about D/s while within D/s is part of what makes it so fun and fascinating. I could never, would never, engage in a dynamic that required complete and total unquestioning trust, and I would see any demands for that as massive red flags. Nothing about D/s needs to be black and white.

The Blog Days of Summer

Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.