Content Warning: Father’s Day, references to emotional and psychological abuse, the normalizing of abuse, links to past posts that discuss negative self image, weight/weight gain, body issues, etc. Please proceed with caution if these topics are challenging for you.
I’m taking it easy today, I’m considering today a day of rest. Father’s Day is a tough one for me because I have a very complicated and estranged relationship with my father. I’ve come a long way, working to undo the damage but I suspect it would take many lifetimes to be fully free. I can only do what I can, and part of that is excluding him from my life until I feel whole and safe enough to let him back in. As it is right now, that may not ever happen.
All week I have been working through the guilt I feel. I know that my absence and unwillingness to engage hurts him. I know I’m missed, and I know that he does love me. I simply can’t yet forgive and release all the ways in which his attitudes and actions have contributed negatively to my life. My therapist has helped make it clear that narcissists don’t really ever see or know other people other than as an extension of themselves and that I may need to consider changing my expectations of that ever happening with my father. He doesn’t know who I am, and he’s never cared to understand; chances are that he won’t in the future either.
Despite that shattered familial connection, I have other tremendously important and loving people in my life that grace me with their love and kindness. These folks make wonderful lovers and partners and make my polyam constellation shine as bright as it does. I was told in no uncertain terms by Gemma this morning that I was to be gentle with myself today – that conversation quickly evolved into her self proclamation that she was The Queen and had mote it so, thus I must comply. It’s hard to feel blue when someone you love is both caretaking and being silly like that. It made me smile. My other partners have been excellent as well, checking in, sending love, giving hugs. My family of partners is a circle of love and support that I am so incredibly grateful for. Writing this I am reminded that I am due for a polyam post soon, which I shall add to my list!
I’m self-caring in the following ways today:
- staying in touch with My People
- Wishing all the amazing fathers that I know Happy Fathers’ Day
- Holding space for other people I know that are struggling today
- Carefully balancing staying busy with resting
- Giving myself permission to be emotional and being gentle with myself, per The Queen’s instructions
- Following Daddy’s direction to stay grounded in my body by wearing a heavy Kegel ball and buttplug for distraction and comfort
- Keeping up with daily tasks and routines – stability really helps!
- Staying off social media for 24 hours
I’m sure I’m not alone in struggling today. For all of you that have lost your fathers, never knew your fathers, or simply cannot be with your fathers today, no matter what your relationship is, I wish you peace, self care, and healing. The relationships that hurt us most may mould us but they do not need to define us. Be well, take care, and take care of yourselves.