Even in Darkness

The sex blogging community has been a bit of a trash fire recently, what with transphobes running amok and expressing their displeasure at accountability and basic human decency. It’s been part of the perfect storm of bullshit that is 2020, but even in darkness, there are sometimes moments of light. By that I mean, that because of so many of us gravitating away from the projects that these former ‘pillars of the community’ run, new projects have cropped up. One of those new projects is Quote Quest, run by the ever-so-lovely Little Switch Bitch.

This is the first week of #QuoteQuest, an inclusive, sex-positive prompt that runs weekly on LSB’s blog. The concept is simple: respond, through words and/or images to the quote posted weekly. This week’s quote is:

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.” – Louis L’Amour

This quote resonates with me on a few levels, but it definitely strikes a chord when I think of kink and my journey through it. Since my first forays into kink and BDSM I have wanted so much to find someone to fully relinquish myself to. I have played ‘both sides of the slash’ and I have had several playmates and a couple of Doms over the years. Each iteration of that D/s dynamic has been unique and had value, but all have ended in soul crushing disappointment, anger, emptiness or fear.

I’ll be the first to say that I have certainly made errors vetting Doms in the past. I have ignored red flags, I have excused shitty behaviour, I have allowed my sense of self and especially my submissive self, to be eroded by the ego and apathy of a few ‘good’ men. With each break up I have resigned myself to the fact that it may never happen for me, I may never know the depth and beauty of a meaningful and lasting connection with a Dominant or how far that connection could push me.

They say that you find what you’re looking for, what you need, when you stop looking for them. I wasn’t looking, not at all. In fact I was a bit shut off from opportunities or new connections because I was still licking my wounds, deciding if I was too needy (a forever problem for me), and making my mind up about whether this was the time that I finally gave up on D/s for fear of experiencing abject rejection again. Even in darkness, there are sometimes moments of light. I was facing a crossroads and trying to have faith that the path forward would reveal itself to me when I was ready to walk it. And it did; he did.

Just like the above quote: I was facing an ending and found a beginning.


Every Damn Day In June


Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.