I had a moment today. I love shamed myself.

I was thinking about connections, clicking with people, falling in love, and all the desire and sexual passion that comes with it. Being a non monogamous person, I feel like my romantic heart is forever in flux, sometimes incrementally, sometimes turbulently. Even if I’m grieving the end of one relationship, I can still maintain other relationships or even begin a new one. Such is the ebb and flow of my heart.

Unfortunately, that’s not obvious to people, and there’s not much consideration or understanding about how that can be. For a lot of people, they need to fully “get over” a partner before they can consider moving on to another. That’s never been the reality for me, my emotional bandwidth is not linear, it’s more amorphous and cloud like. Having one or more partners support you when you face the end of the line with another partner, makes breakups more palatable than the monogamous model where you’re single until you meet someone new.

But from the outside looking in, all of that nuance is lost. And today I lost track of it too.

Sometimes I get caught up in how non monogamy is perceived. I’m trying to remember that what other people think of me is really none of my business. I know that I love fiercely and I’m not ashamed of that. Sometimes that love lasts decades, or days or weeks or moments, but it’s always real.

This is a space where I have promised myself I’ll never hold back, so I’m exorcising that moment of shame keystroke by keystroke and grounding myself in the love around me; the love that comes, the love that goes, and the love that remains.

 

Every Damn Day In June


Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.