When I was much younger, and had no real sense of my kinkiness, I had very little interest in porn because I was caught up on the idea that one’s tastes in porn and self identity must match. It was freeing to discover that is not the case at all and allowing myself to discover porn with new, more open eyes, has been an exciting revelation in my sexuality.

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Have you heard of Beyond #FetChat ? It’s a new, inclusive, super sexy link up hosted by Love Is A Fetish that encourages writers to wax creative on the week’s #FetChat topic. You can join in on #FetChat every Wednesday on Twitter and discuss sex, kink, and sexuality with like-minded folks.

 

 

Before I was even a newbie-baby-kinkster I knew that the things I was into weren’t necessarily common and that some of them were a bit ‘out there’ in terms of what I understood “normal” to be. As I was coming of age and beginning to look at my sexuality in earnest, it seemed to be a time and place where the culture around me was very limited in terms of porn, access to porn (pre internet, ya’ll, and the first few scary years where porn links had merciless pop ups and infected computers with deadly viruses) and ideas about who watched porn. Frankly, it was a generation where girls “didn’t” watch porn because that was for boys and if you watched porn with a guy, even your partner, you were a total skank and probably a ‘nymphomaniac’ – 90s lingo was big on ‘nympho’ as a way to police womens’ sexuality – and watching porn alone was kind of unthinkable.

As I got older and my kinks became more prevalent and I began to learn how to embrace and explore them, a whole new world of sex opened up to me but it still didn’t feel like porn was a valid part of it. I had considered that the things I liked to do behind closed doors were more than likely in some kind of pornography somewhere out there (how naive! if you can dream it, there’s a porno of it!) but I didn’t pursue it. Porn was a term that brought to mind painfully bad ‘acting’ and unrealistic bodies and over the top, screaming and wailing female orgasms. Nothing about it seemed sexy, and nothing about porn as I knew it was aligned with what I found sexy. It wasn’t the sex I wanted to see and because I was only at the beginning of my personal sexual odyssey (still a WIP) and I didn’t really even know who I was, sexually, there was no way for me to reconcile all those moving parts. Fast forward fifteen years or so …

The idea that to get into pornography, your porn and self identity have to match seems wildly bizarre to me now. I’m not a huge consumer of porn, and I use it very tactically: only ever as a means to an end, and only ever alone. What has become evident is that the porn that I want to watch, the porn I do watch, has nothing to do with my own sexuality or my sexual self identity. I identify as a polyamorous cis bisexual femme Switch, which is rather specific and not exactly a perfect search term when you’re combing the internet for something to wank to. And what do I watch, almost exclusively? Hyper masculine gay men. Sometimes there’s a power exchange element, maybe a bit of bondage if I really want to branch out, but mostly just stocky, hairy, bearded dudes kissing and fucking and being sexy. Don’t ask me why – I literally have no idea.

It was strange (and wonderful) to discover that I was as kinky as I am, and stranger still to learn that there were people out there making porn about the ways I like to fuck and be fucked, but strangest of all was realizing that as kinky as I am, I don’t need kink or BDSM in the porn that I consume, nor do I need it to mirror my sexuality back to me. It took me awhile to understand that those things were not as incongruous as I thought they were and that they could both exist at once. I suppose I could try to expand my porn horizons and incorporate more of the kinks, fetishes and BDSM tid-bits that contribute to and help define my sexuality, but I also feel like if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

 

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2 thoughts on “Porn and Self Identity”

  1. the post is a wonderful sharing, Violet! I’ve also been thinking about the type of porn movies I like to watch and literally I don’t consider myself to try that in my real life.

  2. I used porn to help figure out that was pan. It wasn’t very scientific; I just watched different genres and, ahem, paid attention to what my body reacted to. I’m sure it would have more validity if I’d used a spreadsheet, it would make it more scienceful 🙂

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