Content Warning: mentions of transphobia, misgendering, willful ignorance, bigotry and mental health.

“Please try to remember that what they believe, as well as what they do and cause you to endure does not testify to your inferiority but to their inhumanity”
― James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the passive aggression and willful ignorance that has sparked the ugliest rift I have yet to see in our sex blogging community. Lines have been drawn, sides have been taken, and I, for one, don’t see reparations in the near future, nor do I see trust or forgiveness en masse, because let’s be real: somethings are unforgivable.

I am so tired of this, and I’m so frustrated, and I know that my frustration doesn’t even begin to add up to the feelings that other more marginalized bloggers must feel. I am in no way a victim here, I am just a very angry member of the community.  This shit gets under my skin and makes me want to let out the mouthiest, most caustic tweets and go toe-to-toe until this bullshit is vanquished. But how much does that help? I’m not sure. I know that I can’t straddle the fence on this one and I struggle with the idea that people can feel neutral in this all out war on trans rights. If you’re on the fence, I implore you to consider all the amazing artists and writers, colleagues and friends you are alienating and injuring by not expressing support. Believe it or not, despite my ire, I’m actually quite a diplomatic person. It’s in my nature, my education and my career history to help people communicate, to mend fences and promote harmony. And yet, I had no hesitation taking a stand against the community members who have divisively aligned themselves with ‘free speech’ and antagonistic ‘you can’t make me be a decent human’ rhetoric; not a hard decision at all, in fact it was the only viable one.

If you’re on the fence, I implore you to consider all the amazing artists and writers, colleagues and friends you are alienating and injuring by not expressing support.

This is still happening. It’s not over, it hasn’t gone away, and many of our trans friends and colleagues are still impacted and injured. Since speaking out and joining in on others’ conversations about the disappointment and rage that this bigotry is causing I have been unfollowed, soft blocked, blocked, lost subscribers to my site and seen a decline in participation for the projects I run – and to that I say: fuck yes, I hope they keep dropping like flies. Here’s the thing: if someone doesn’t want to follow me or read my thoughts or my writing because I happen to believe that trans folks’ pronouns should be honoured just like anyone else’s then I don’t want them reading my words. If someone wilfully rolls over and plays possum or digs in their heels and hides behind freedom of speech to continually undermine the sex positive community they claim to be a part of, then they can fuck off into the sun. Seriously. Fill your pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean. Get away from me and my blog and take your wretched existence elsewhere.

I have been unfollowed, soft blocked, blocked, lost subscribers to my site and seen a decline in participation for the projects I run – and to that I say: fuck yes, I hope they keep dropping like flies.”

And yet, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate the handful of bloggers and their tiny army of mean spirited, self righteous spies that report back to Bigot Headquarters with intel on what we ‘snowflakes’ are saying. No, I don’t hate them. To hate them would require a level of investment that they are not worthy of. To hate them would mean I cared about them on some level. To hate them would mean that I gave a fuck about them, and let me tell you: I don’t. However, I sincerely hope that they hate me. I hope that they have seen my tweets and taken my words out of context again, and I hope that the things I say in response to their vitriol causes burning rage and hatred within them. I hope they see the solidarity between queer and trans bloggers and their allies and their stubborm, callous hearts continue to harden. Why, you ask? Because hate erodes us from the inside out. Hate breaks us down and makes us vulnerable. Hate is not a sustainable source of fuel or motivation and it solves nothing.

So, to the folks that can’t seem to muster the human decency to respect the colossal inconvenience [sarcasm!] of trans people existing in the sex blogging community, nor apologize genuinely for their repeated missteps and misgendering; the ones who feign innocence or ignorance and remain unwilling to dialogue about how to make reparations and re-enter the community, I have but one thing to say:

I hope you hate me and I hope that hate eats you alive.

 

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Violet

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.