Content Warning: mentions of transphobia, misgendering, willful ignorance, bigotry and mental health.

“Please try to remember that what they believe, as well as what they do and cause you to endure does not testify to your inferiority but to their inhumanity”
― James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the passive aggression and willful ignorance that has sparked the ugliest rift I have yet to see in our sex blogging community. Lines have been drawn, sides have been taken, and I, for one, don’t see reparations in the near future, nor do I see trust or forgiveness en masse, because let’s be real: somethings are unforgivable.

I am so tired of this, and I’m so frustrated, and I know that my frustration doesn’t even begin to add up to the feelings that other more marginalized bloggers must feel. I am in no way a victim here, I am just a very angry member of the community.  This shit gets under my skin and makes me want to let out the mouthiest, most caustic tweets and go toe-to-toe until this bullshit is vanquished. But how much does that help? I’m not sure. I know that I can’t straddle the fence on this one and I struggle with the idea that people can feel neutral in this all out war on trans rights. If you’re on the fence, I implore you to consider all the amazing artists and writers, colleagues and friends you are alienating and injuring by not expressing support. Believe it or not, despite my ire, I’m actually quite a diplomatic person. It’s in my nature, my education and my career history to help people communicate, to mend fences and promote harmony. And yet, I had no hesitation taking a stand against the community members who have divisively aligned themselves with ‘free speech’ and antagonistic ‘you can’t make me be a decent human’ rhetoric; not a hard decision at all, in fact it was the only viable one.

If you’re on the fence, I implore you to consider all the amazing artists and writers, colleagues and friends you are alienating and injuring by not expressing support.

This is still happening. It’s not over, it hasn’t gone away, and many of our trans friends and colleagues are still impacted and injured. Since speaking out and joining in on others’ conversations about the disappointment and rage that this bigotry is causing I have been unfollowed, soft blocked, blocked, lost subscribers to my site and seen a decline in participation for the projects I run – and to that I say: fuck yes, I hope they keep dropping like flies. Here’s the thing: if someone doesn’t want to follow me or read my thoughts or my writing because I happen to believe that trans folks’ pronouns should be honoured just like anyone else’s then I don’t want them reading my words. If someone wilfully rolls over and plays possum or digs in their heels and hides behind freedom of speech to continually undermine the sex positive community they claim to be a part of, then they can fuck off into the sun. Seriously. Fill your pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean. Get away from me and my blog and take your wretched existence elsewhere.

I have been unfollowed, soft blocked, blocked, lost subscribers to my site and seen a decline in participation for the projects I run – and to that I say: fuck yes, I hope they keep dropping like flies.”

And yet, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate the handful of bloggers and their tiny army of mean spirited, self righteous spies that report back to Bigot Headquarters with intel on what we ‘snowflakes’ are saying. No, I don’t hate them. To hate them would require a level of investment that they are not worthy of. To hate them would mean I cared about them on some level. To hate them would mean that I gave a fuck about them, and let me tell you: I don’t. However, I sincerely hope that they hate me. I hope that they have seen my tweets and taken my words out of context again, and I hope that the things I say in response to their vitriol causes burning rage and hatred within them. I hope they see the solidarity between queer and trans bloggers and their allies and their stubborm, callous hearts continue to harden. Why, you ask? Because hate erodes us from the inside out. Hate breaks us down and makes us vulnerable. Hate is not a sustainable source of fuel or motivation and it solves nothing.

So, to the folks that can’t seem to muster the human decency to respect the colossal inconvenience [sarcasm!] of trans people existing in the sex blogging community, nor apologize genuinely for their repeated missteps and misgendering; the ones who feign innocence or ignorance and remain unwilling to dialogue about how to make reparations and re-enter the community, I have but one thing to say:

I hope you hate me and I hope that hate eats you alive.

 

Further Reading:

Take a crash course in terminology and allyship with this post from Quinn Rhodes
Check out the great work being done by queer bloggers like Mx Nillin within the trans blogging community
Share and support the Gender Reveal trans survival fund, and if you can, please consider donating money via PayPal.

5 thoughts on “I Hope You Hate Me”

  1. I knew this would be worth the read! (And I hope you fell well or at least ok now that you’ve published it.) And while I agree with so much (SO much) what really resonates with me is this: “No, I don’t hate them. To hate them would require a level of investment that they are not worthy of. To hate them would mean I cared about them on some level. To hate them would mean that I gave a fuck about them, and let me tell you: I don’t.”

    I find that their focusing on every word some of us say or write and “reporting back” to each other indicates that they desperately care more than I do. I get asked if I worry what might be said about me or if something will be taken out of context, and my response is that I don’t think about them at all. They showed us who they were, and they continue to do so, and I reserve my energy for the people I want to support. And frankly, the moment I genuinely STOPPED worrying about what they thought, I felt lighter, freer, and even more confident (oddly enough).

    1. Absolutely! And what I’m really learning in all of this is that the work (with and for marginalized members of the community) NEVER STOPS. This whole explosion of the community has really made me realize just how focused and vigilant more vulnerable folks must have to be just in order to feel safe.

  2. It’s been hard to see everything happen mostly because I don’t understand the mindset of those that claim positivity and yet intentionally hurt others this way. I don’t understand not wanting to treat others with respect or in a way that honors who they are.

    I appreciated this post for how honest it is. I’ve always appreciated your honesty and wish I was as forthright at times. I tend to couch my responses, not because I want to be everyone’s friend, but because I’m scared of attack.

    To the last bit, you’re right about hate eroding. I think in this case, karma will do more work then we’ll see. I try hard to believe that.

  3. I agree with your every word! I’m genderqueer and I’ve mostly kept that under wraps, not deliberately hiding it just not really speaking about it. When this first exploded, I mean exposed rather than the previous subversive behaviours, I was quite scared. I hated them for their views and that came from a place of anger.

    Now I’ve very quickly reached a place when I’m more than happy to speak out about my gender and I actually feel safer now I know who hold what views, or mostly know. Do I care if someone hates me, no because I know who care about me and that is what gives me strength and courage.

    1. What’s a powerful revelation! Congratulations on all of that, I’m so happy to hear you’re feeling more empowered and safe!

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