CW: transphobia

I’ve been sitting on this post for six weeks, maybe more. It’s been a draft that I’ve ignored, put off, resisted, because it’s hard to write and even harder to write succinctly. I’m not going to rehash the war of the worlds that’s happening in the sex blogging community on Twitter, so if you’re unaware of what is being referred to, jog on over there and have a gander.

I want to say that I am absolutely against transphobia, in all its insidious forms, and it is not something that a ‘sex positive’ community should have to bear, let alone queer and trans people within the very community that should be supporting and protecting them. While I respect the posts and tweets that are surfacing in support of people not speaking out, insulating themselves for personal reasons, I think that if you have a voice that you are able to share, now is the time to step up and assert your allyship.

This is also not a time to mince words, so I won’t: I don’t believe there is any coming back from this. While I applaud the folks that are optimistic enough to believe that there will be great learning, understanding and change, and that these trespasses can be forgiven and the martyrs and the ringleaders will simply step down from their comfortable privilege and acknowledge their own lack of humanity … well, I think you’ll be waiting an awfully long time.

To me, this is not a teachable moment for the people who are perpetrating the transphobic rhetoric, feigning ignorance and digging in their heels and hiding behind free speech. Last I checked, freedom of speech didn’t include hate speech, marginalization or dismissing the human rights of vulnerable groups. It’s also not license to be an asshole. If they wanted to understand, if they wanted to do better, if they wanted to mend fences, they’d have done it by now. The comfort and care of the community is clearly not a priority for them and the othering they have done has rightfully made them pariahs and exposed the rotten underbelly of the the community.

I’m seeing a lot of “Well two wrongs don’t make a right.” I agree. The issue with that argument is that there’s nothing wrong about pushing back against abusers, there’s nothing wrong with taking your legitimate anger at being dehumanized and running it all the way up the proverbial flag pole. Trans folks should be screaming this from the rooftops, not because it’s their responsibility to educate and correct, but because they are human beings that deserve the same respect and consideration as anyone else. And we should be helping them.

Personally, I’m already hated and blocked in that clusterfuck of bigots because I haven’t stood for this bullshit in the past, and I won’t now or in the future. Leopards don’t change their spots. There will be no reckoning, there will be no homecoming, there will be no change. The best we can do, in my opinion, is to suck out the poison and suture the wounds.

I’m not interested in trying to change the minds of people who have no intention of changing. Of course “anything is possible” but we’re talking about a flagrant disregard for the needs and rights of people who simply asked for the bare minimum. That repeated disregard and complete lack of compassion is not going to budge, so I for one, am not wasting my resources in combat when I could put that bandwidth towards holding space for the battleworn and the weary. The injured and the attacked deserve my energy, and I don’t give a single fuck how the hatemongers feel. Not one. As far as I’m concerned they are not welcome unless they legitimately do the immense amount of work to undo the damage. Harsh? Maybe, but let’s be real: this is a sex positive and inclusive community, not a divisive one that is ruled by undercurrents of bigotry and sycophantic cheerleading. If you want to be a part of it, find a way to act like a decent human adult and stop playing the victim and making absurd comparisons to fascism when someone politely corrects your ignorance … over and over and over again.

To those among us who have taken up the sword to educate and enlighten, I wish you strength, I don’t share your idealism but I will support your voice.

For those of you on the wrong side of history, why not just toddle off and have your little supremacist party elsewhere? Surely there must be a dank lair for your scaly bellies to slither into where you can circle-jerk over your festering, outmoded beliefs that you are exempt from human decency.







Violet Fawkes

Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.