Kink isn’t really a thing for me right now.
It is, but it isn’t, you know? I haven’t “quit”, I’m not denouncing my kinks but I’m not really an active kinkster. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m completely vanilla, more like vanilla (with sprinkles). I’m just at a place where I am reevaluating kink and what it means to me, what I like and need, and why.
So much of my kink journey has been based in curiosity and enthusiasm, as opposed to self development and deeper thoughts and philosophies. I have had some very strongly felt kink convictions but I am challenging and examining them as a part of my personal kink evolution. Sexuality and sexual proclivities are fluid things that change and morph over time and with new experiences, but at present, I am taking a less hands on and more academic approach to kink. I know that some of how this works is simply “because that’s how it is” and that not every facet of kink, sexuality, desire and attraction can be defined and accounted for, but I’d like to have a clearer sense of myself before I embark on any new kink-focused connections.
One place where I always get caught up in kink is the definitions. I’m the sort of person who likes things to be defined and labelled and to know how something works. I also believe in freedom of expression and that people grow and change, so self-labelling and defining my own kinkiness has always been a challenge. I don’t know what label fits best and I’m not really interested in wearing a label because labels create expectations and my greatest anxiety in kink (and life!) is not meeting expectations, my own included. I have struggled “being enough” on both sides of the D/s slash and I’m tired of it and I’m exhausted from the internal Switch confusion and trying to articulate my feelings around power dynamics and sado-masochism to play partners.
In short, kink seems to sort of be in you or not, and I know it’s in me, but it’s dormant. Let sleeping kinks lie. Isn’t that how the saying goes? I suppose there’s as much reason to believe that kink will come back to the forefront as there is to think it will fade away, utterly. Only time will tell, but in the meantime, I’m enjoying the less die-hard approach and still getting wet at the thought of power dynamics, the thwack of a cane, and masturbating furiously to guy-on-guy chastity and edging porn. I’ve also ditched FetLife and turned down some new kinky connections because I was unable to engage with the thought of starting over with a new playmate or partner. Such is the ebb and flow of kink, I guess? One thing I’m sure of: my kinks aren’t gone, they’re just a bit under ground at the moment.
And for now, that suits me just fine.