Content Warning: Please be aware that this post features topics like weight, weight loss, body shame, etc. If those are challenging topics for you, please proceed with caution.
Not the sexiest post, but an important one for me. I have been conspicuously absent in the weekly Lingerie Is For Everyone link ups for awhile now and it has become stressful to post about lingerie and body positivity when I have been struggling a bit with my own body-feels. Today I’m sharing two, count ’em TWO pics, one of some luscious cleavage and lips and then a full-on nearly-nude because I’m feeling ready to come out of hiding and join the ranks of the folks who boldly, bravely, get their kit off for this meme every week. Thank you all for carrying the torch while I took a break. You’re all beautiful and dynamic and I love seeing your posts every week!
How I feel about my body is a complicated thing. On the one hand, I love it and embrace it based on the pleasure it brings me and my lovers, on the other, I am plagued by “what it means” to be fat. I have written about what it meant to be a chubby kid raised by narcissists and how that significantly influenced my sense of self as well as my anxiety around caring for my body and seeking medical support when I am unwell. I’m happy to say that I had a really positive Doctor’s appointment recently which involved some routine test results and a general physical. Not only did I see my weight, in both kilos and pounds, for the first time in 20 years (yes you read that right) without having a complete obsessive meltdown about the number, I also received confirmation that all my test results were completely healthy/normal and I was given a clean bill of health from my doctor with no criticism of my weight. It wasn’t that we didn’t discuss it, we did, in detail, but at no point was it a negative or even something to change, necessarily. I expressed that I have been losing weight for about 7 months, slowly, steadily, simply by working on my emotional/trauma-based relationship with food. He asked how much I’d lost, I said I didn’t know, but that it was enough for all my clothes to fit differently. Then he asked something that will sound minor, but was actually quite significant: he asked how losing weight made me feel. No one has ever asked me that. I was surprised when my answer wasn’t “relieved” or “successful” or “better about myself”. My honest answer was to shrug and say “It’s been good, I guess. I haven’t been thinking about it very much.” He nodded and made notes and then we talked about my upcoming appointment with a new therapist, and then the appointment was over. I left feeling better about my physical body than I can remember feeling in a very long time. I’ve been fat, fit and everything in between and never felt as okay about my body as I feel right now.
These pictures please me. I like how the curve of my breast has become rounder and less oblong, how my chin and chest are leaner and more shapely (though ’round’ is a perfectly valid shape!) and it’s interesting to see how my hips and belly are changing. I’m not happy with these images, or my body for that matter, because I’m slimmer. I’m happy with these images because I don’t look at them and think emotional responses like, “Wow, still gross and fat.” I look at them and think in terms of facts, “How interesting it is to see my body changing.”
So how do I feel? Kind of neutral, and that feels good. It was nice to snap some pictures in a comfy bralette, with bonus armpit hair (don’t care!) and know that no matter how anyone feels about my body aesthetically, I feel good about it today, physically and emotionally. Lingerie is for everyone who wants to wear it, and today, for the first time in awhile, that’s me.