Metamorphosis: Fat, Fit and In Between

Metamorphosis: Fat, Fit and In Between

Content Warning: Please be aware that this post features topics like weight, weight loss, body shame, etc. If those are challenging topics for you, please proceed with caution.  

Not the sexiest post, but an important one for me. I have been conspicuously absent in the weekly Lingerie Is For Everyone link ups for awhile now and it has become stressful to post about lingerie and body positivity when I have been struggling a bit with my own body-feels. Today I’m sharing two, count ’em TWO pics, one of some luscious cleavage and lips and then a full-on nearly-nude because I’m feeling ready to come out of hiding and join the ranks of the folks who boldly, bravely, get their kit off for this meme every week. Thank you all for carrying the torch while I took a break. You’re all beautiful and dynamic and I love seeing your posts every week!

How I feel about my body is a complicated thing. On the one hand, I love it and embrace it based on the pleasure it brings me and my lovers, on the other, I am plagued by “what it means” to be fat. I have written about what it meant to be a chubby kid raised by narcissists and how that significantly influenced my sense of self as well as my anxiety around caring for my body and seeking medical support when I am unwell. I’m happy to say that I had a really positive Doctor’s appointment recently which involved some routine test results and a general physical. Not only did I see my weight, in both kilos and pounds, for the first time in 20 years (yes you read that right) without having a complete obsessive meltdown about the number, I also received confirmation that all my test results were completely healthy/normal and I was given a clean bill of health from my doctor with no criticism of my weight. It wasn’t that we didn’t discuss it, we did, in detail, but at no point was it a negative or even something to change, necessarily. I expressed that I have been losing weight for about 7 months, slowly, steadily, simply by working on my emotional/trauma-based relationship with food. He asked how much I’d lost, I said I didn’t know, but that it was enough for all my clothes to fit differently. Then he asked something that will sound minor, but was actually quite significant: he asked how losing weight made me feel. No one has ever asked me that. I was surprised when my answer wasn’t “relieved” or “successful” or “better about myself”. My honest answer was to shrug and say “It’s been good, I guess. I haven’t been thinking about it very much.” He nodded and made notes and then we talked about my upcoming appointment with a new therapist, and then the appointment was over. I left feeling better about my physical body than I can remember feeling in a very long time. I’ve been fat, fit and everything in between and never felt as okay about my body as I feel right now.

These pictures please me. I like how the curve of my breast has become rounder and less oblong, how my chin and chest are leaner and more shapely (though ’round’ is a perfectly valid shape!) and it’s interesting to see how my hips and belly are changing. I’m not happy with these images, or my body for that matter, because I’m slimmer. I’m happy with these images because I don’t look at them and think emotional responses like, “Wow, still gross and fat.” I look at them and think in terms of facts, “How interesting it is to see my body changing.”

So how do I feel? Kind of neutral, and that feels good. It was nice to snap some pictures in a comfy bralette, with bonus armpit hair (don’t care!) and know that no matter how anyone feels about my body aesthetically, I feel good about it today, physically and emotionally. Lingerie is for everyone who wants to wear it, and today, for the first time in awhile, that’s me.


Metamorphosis: Fat, Fit and In Between


Metamorphosis: Fat, Fit and In Between


Violet Fawkes (she/her) is a freelance writer and sex blogger focusing on pleasure education, erotic fiction, and the intersection of identity, kink and mental health.

43 thoughts on “Metamorphosis: Fat, Fit and In Between

  1. Weight is such a controversial subject but the one thing that hurts me the most and that is a state of worth linked to a woman’s weight. I am blessed with an average weight and lucky enough not to have to fight to keep it but I know some ladies that are overweight. I have seen them depressed and exhausted trying to be slimmer. Mostly to no effect. I wish I could say these ladies believe they are wonderful women, sexy, and confident but the weight they carry seems to hide all of that in their own minds. Through history artists have painted beautiful women of all sizes and worshipped them all. No matter the shape you are, you are an amazing woman, completely beautiful no matter your size. When a man takes you into his arms, is he making love to a fat woman or a woman he finds irresistible and beautiful in every way?
    Throw out the scales and just enjoy your life, free of chains of weight loss. You are perfect.
    Great post Violet. <3 <3 <3

    1. Thank you for all these positive and caring thoughts, I appreciate them so much. You’re right: life is about living, not dieting or dying at the gym.

  2. I am so glad to hear you’re feeling more positive and accepting of your body, you look gorgeous ❤

    I completely understand how you feel. I lost 5 stone – and was still considered obese. I needed to loose another stone to get into the “normal” BMI range, but I decided I didn’t care. I’ve put 2 back on with stress eating, and I know its stress that makes me eat, but I don’t seem to be able to find a way of changing that behaviour.

    My relationship with my body is once again turbulent and changes minute to minute.

    1. That turbulence is very relatable. I wish you smooth sailing through that tide. You always look beautiful and glamorous in your photos!

  3. Well I think you look beautiful in both photos, (loved the lips especially though).

    The most important thing to me is a sexy mind. Bodies change and age, a sexy mind is a gift that lasts.

    thank you for what you put into this writing.

  4. I very much love your honesty here, Violet. I think ones relationship with one’s own body can be a very complicated when you have never grown up with a healthy sense of self-love but instead been bullied and degraded for what you like. Unfortunately, many who are overweight not only live with their own self-belittling self-hatred but also with comments from others about health and beauty standards. I think loving one’s own body needs to start with honesty, with a sort of objective curiosity, a non-judgmental gaze. And you are doing just that right now, and I am so very interested in seeing where this will go for you. I personally find you very beautiful, and your curves are attractive. But what I say should not matter, all that matters is how you feel. And I like that you climbed up the letter of possitivity and are now at the stage of curiosity. Yay.

    1. This comment has me in tears, as you are absolutely right. It’s a really tough road and I know I’m not alone in it but damn, this shot is insidious! Thank you for your support and kind words.

  5. I think this is such an interesting piece. Ones own body image is so personal yet everyone believes they are entitled to have an opinion and comment on it. I think it is fantastic you have come back to where you are comfortable and able to contribute images of yourself with enjoyment and pleasure.

  6. The photos are beautiful and I can understand how we look ourselves in a negetive light. But by taking these photos they remind us that we are sexy. Those lips and cleavage of yours are especially nice.

  7. Violet I find you a fabulous force of nature. Because I only know you ‘virtually’ you are not a body to me but a mind full of opinions and sexy words and a force of energy which encourages and inspires. I hear all you say in your piece and I find it encouraging that you’ve got to a better viewpoint from which to look at yourself rationally, and thank the stars that you finally met with a doctor who framed questions and responses mindfully – we need much more of that in this world.
    My advice is look after your beautiful body because it is the red velvet cushion on/in which the essence of you rests and I’m keen to commune with, share pics with and be inspired by you for posterity.

    1. Posy, you’re a gem ?? thank you. It’s amazing what reframing something in one’s mind can do for the spring in one’s step!

  8. I am so glad you had such a positive (or at least not awful) experience with a doctor. My last doctor would talk to me about my weight but never in a shaming way which was nice. And I’m glad you shared these pictures — which are gorgeous, by the way.

  9. I love both your photos, and I love the positivity in your post, that you had a good appointment with your doc, and that you can look at your body and feel good about what you have done in the past months. Yay to you for doing it, but also for taking it day by day and not getting obsessive about it. You are a beautiful woman, Violet, no matter what size you are! Welcome back!

    Rebel xox

  10. I really love this post. And I loved the question he asked. I wish physicians would ask similar questions that didn’t bring up terrible feelings. Both photos are gorgeous by the way. Your lips ?

  11. I have battled with my weight all my life. At my biggest I was a size 22/24 (uk size) and at my smallest a size 8. I lost 7 stone in total but have slowly put back on 2 – 3 of that much of that in the last couple of years. I know giving up smoking contributed but I now also realise that stress and unhappiness added to it. I eat less when I am happy. It is as simple as that. In Miami I lost 5lb. in a week and I didn’t really do that much exercise at all which has really made me think about how I use food to help me feel better/happier


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