autobiographical

Season of Change

Illegittimi non carborundum. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Easier said than done.

I’ve been debating whether to address the unsolicited feedback I got this past week or to just let it go. It’s the most infernal thing: acknowledging the comments only feeds their contempt and emboldens them, but ignoring it feels cowardly.

I wrote about the end of things with Loverboy and expressed my grief and sadness, which some people took as license to anonymously tell me in very unkind terms what they thought of me as a person. They didn’t stop there. There were also opinions shared about my body, my self worth, my approach to relationships, and what they felt was a lack of responsibility as a kinkster, particularly as a Domme. According to their expert diagnosis and opinions I am incapable of D/s relationships because of my tenuous mental health and I am completely deserving of whatever pain I experience because I’m a danger, a menace, a monster who is amassing “victims” in my destructive wake (despite only having had 3 D/s relationships in which I was the D).

Oh, and I’m too fat and disgusting to blog and I’m also a pathetic attention whore who no one in this community cares about. Duly noted.

My response, not that it is required, is to clarify how I plan to move forward after taking a week, more or less, away from the blog and social media and reflecting and focusing on my real self, not Violet Fawkes. That way the trolls, aka my number one fans, can sleep better at night knowing that their abject cruelty and cowardice has won. Congratulations, assholes.

I’m pausing the billing of my Patreon page 
If you are a Patron of mine you will not be billed on October 1. I’m debating scrapping Patreon altogether due to their ridiculous new censorship attempts and the overwhelming lack of interest in my work. I will update soon on what I plan to do with that.

I’m no longer on FetLife or dating apps
I find dating exhausting in general, even more so when you add a kink element, so I am completely off the market and not looking to make any romantic, sexual or intimate connections, vanilla, kink or otherwise. I will re-evaluate this “dating diet” in early 2020, no sooner.

I’m going back to therapy
We all have shit to work through and I am no exception. Maybe I am all the things I’ve been told I am? I guess I’ll find out

I’m limiting self-portraiture 
I plan to continue posting the Lingerie Is For Everyone weekly link up because I have had nothing but great feedback about it from participants but it is unlikely I will be participating with my own images going forward. I may add them from time to time, but by and large I will not be sharing images of my own body on this blog or participating in other memes like Sinful Sunday or Boobday very often.

I’ll be sharing much less
I’ll be sticking to fiction, product reviews and essays and no longer sharing personal diatribes and experiences. Despite this blog and social media being my own “safe” space, I am no longer willing to subject myself to criticism of my body, personal life and choices. This is no longer a safe space and I am adjusting accordingly.

To be perfectly clear, these are my choices, precipitated in part by the crushing blow of that anonymous feedback, and in part through my own reflection and consideration. I do not agree that I am a danger or a menace to the kink community – all 3 of the submissive partners I have had have loved and been loved within those relationships and have grown along with me. I have learned about myself, kink and relationships in general, with them and I am grateful, regardless of things ending. I have never claimed to be an expert and anyone who has dated me, played with me in a kink context or even talked genuinely with me about D/s knows that I approach it cautiously and am often overly concerned with the responsibilities and potential to hurt someone. Because of this lack of confidence I am stepping away from kink and BDSM relationships and experiences for now. Will I return to them as an activity or a lifestyle? I’m not sure. Time will tell.

Lastly, to the haters, to the trolls, to anyone who dislikes my content, opinions, personality, images, body, thoughts, feelings, tweets, instagram posts, blog posts, fiction, or any other means by which I share myself online: I invite you to unfollow me immediately.

To those of you who are sticking around: thank you.

17 Comments

  • missy

    This was actually heartbreaking to read. I am glad that you feel empowered in reaching your own decision but feel horrified at the hate you have had directed at you in such a personal way. This is your space and it should have been your safe space. You are a great writer of fiction and non fiction and your reflections and insights are thought provoking and helpful. I would say you should ignore these comments and continue to do what you love and are good at but it’s easy for me to say when I am not on the receiving end of such hatred. What I will say is that I think for every one of these trolls there will be silent readers out there who love your content and what you do. I am only sorry that I have been silent on too many occasions when I might have written something to contradict these other damaging remarks. I hope you do continue to share with us again when things feel more manageable for you. Hugs. ❤️

    • Violet

      I appreciate this, and I don’t for a second feel that lack of positive feedback (of which there has been SO MUCH) is at all related. I’m just tired of trying to carve out safe space only to have it violated.

      • missy

        Thank you. It is wrong that this should happen. I have been fortunate not to have been the focus of very much more than the infamous Wayne so I have not had to deal with it like you have. I don’t really understand the thought process of someone doing it at all. There really is no gain and it seems behaviour which is quite unstable. I hope that you heal soon x

  • Moondance Pages

    I’m so sorry that you are a target from these narrow minded, insecure trolls, whose only purpose is to make others feel bad so they can feel better about themselves. But I totally understand the desire to retreat from them. I do the same thing. I also left Fetlife, and changed my blog to more generic stuff, although I occasionally post sex things there. I agree that therapy is never a bad choice and I hope it helps you feel more grounded. I know I’m not alone in being a fan of yours. But the trolls can be insidious and they have caused me to stop posting things on various sites. It’s sad that they are winning, or think they are. All they are doing is destroying things.

    • Violet

      Thanks for the kind words and I’m sorry you can relate. It’s fine, to me, if they “win” because what goes around comes around. They presume they know it all, as if every nuance is documented here for their ammunition. I know my truth, I’m just bored and disenchanted with defending it to strangers. Thank you for the comment and for being a reader.

  • J. Lynn

    When people can hide behind their screen and be anonymous they get bold. It’s sickening and sad. I’m so sorry that you have been attacked. It breaks my heart to read that you are stepping back, but I understand why. Your mental health is priority and you have to do what is best for you. I’ve always loved reading your posts and will continue to participate in LiFE! You are a wonderful person and please don’t let those trolls get the best of you. ?

    • Violet

      Thank you my beautiful friend. I’m down but I’m not out. Just giving myself some space and creating accountability for myself by sharing.

  • sirsnumber1kitten

    I read your post about the end of your relationship and I found it beautiful and very touching. I learned more about you as a gentle and loving soul. I get so upset when I hear about haters and trolls and I wonder what satisfaction they get from posting the nasty things they do. If they dislike what you write then leave the blog. They are not making people think you Violet, are the bad person, they simply highlight how ugly they are. I adore your blog, however, I can understand this might make you more reluctant to post personal information. Take your time to get over this and know you have my support.
    kitten. <3 <3 <3

  • Floss

    Oh Violet, I HATE with a passion the fact that this has happened to you and I am so sorry that people can be so awful, especially when they have anonymity to hide behind. It cruel, cowardly and I utterly despise the way these people behave. I don’t for one second think you are all the things people have said you are and that kind of feedback is entirely unnecessary. I think therapy is always a positive move though and I hope despite the emotions it may bring to the surface that it is overall an affirming process for you. I 100% understand the moves you have made, I am however pleased you will remain with us in some way, I’d be so sad to see you inactive completely. I love visiting your blog and I think you are a wonderful human being, you are one of the people who if I was ever near enough to meet with I would absolutely be making those arrangements. Take care of yourself lovely Violet xxx

  • Marie Rebelle

    I have only now come around to read this post, and I am sitting here, not even knowing what to say. I am so sorry this happened to you, Violet. I HATE that it happened to you. Hate that someone felt the need to attack you personally. Like Floss, I love visiting your blog and reading about your experiences and I think you are a very talented woman, in words and images and drawings. I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you. Do what is good for YOU, and please don’t disappear entirely!

    Rebel xox

    • Violet

      Thanks, Marie, much appreciated. I won’t go entirely, just re-evaluating and focusing inwards for awhile. Thank you for all your support, always xo

      • Brigit Delaney

        Fuck em.

        But I do understand the need to retreat and take stock. Blogging shouldn’t hurt unless you want it to. And if trolls and critics feel the need to hurt you, then you need to take care of you. I don’t handle confrontation well, and lots of negative comments would likely damage my spirit and send me inward.

        My heart goes out to you.

  • kisungura

    I’m playing catch up but I didn’t want to read and run. Like the others I am incredibly sad and sorry you have been such a target of unjustified negativity and hate in your safe space. I also cannot fathom how anyone could think that treating you in such a way is in any way ok. People can be cowards behind screens, and exploit that false sense of power they think they hold. I’m sorry it has had such a profound impact on you and I send you much support. I have always enjoyed your blog and understand how important it is to look after you. Take care for now xx

  • jupitergrant

    Violet, I am so sorry that there are such fucking arseholes in this world who would be so rude, disrespectful and just downright pricks. I will always support you and follow your work, no matter what way that you choose to express yourself. I’m so sad that you have been put in such a horrible situation by nasty bastards. You are a Goddess, and any idiot who treats you so awfully is nothing but an amoeba. Much love to you. ?

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