Things ended last night with Loverboy. To say I’m sad is a vast understatement, in fact I am profoundly sad in a way I’ve never been before.
What it boils down to is this: polyamory isn’t for everyone and for him, it had become an insurmountable obstacle and the jealousy and anxiety it caused was wearing him out. Unable to imagine it changing, he pulled the plug and that was that. I can’t hold that against him, I can’t fault him for pushing his emotional boundaries and coming up shorter than he’d hoped. I can’t be upset with him for not being able to invest further when he was struggling. Sometimes it’s just all too much and I respect his ability to know what his limits are. I just desperately wish we were on the same side of them, together.
There were many tears shed by both of us, apologies, understanding, generous and loving sentiments but in the end, it was still over. I miss him like a phantom limb, it aches. It hurts.
The pain, however, is clean. It is not muddied with anger or frustration or confusion. I have answers, I have closure. I have memories and the knowledge that I am able to love and be loved in this kind of dynamic, I know now that I can have and enjoy an FLR with the right person and be content. I feel bolstered by his love and I know that ultimately, we were so good to each other. I’m proud of what we had, but I am deeply sad it’s over.
The sadness will fade, the grief will subside, I know this. I realized last night, as I sat sobbing into my own sleeve and feeling the searing pain in my chest as I remembered making love with him that afternoon, that heartbreak, real heart break, is most visceral and compelling when you realize that your tears are sourced in gratitude, not anger. In the end I’m glad I knew him, I’m honoured he let me love him and loved me back so purely. He is an unforgettably bright spot in my life story and I am nothing but grateful as it all begins to fade into bittersweet memory.