autobiographical,  Loverboy,  Relationships

Drawing Invisible Lines

Loverboy and I have had some deep talks this week. It’s all been very productive and good and further solidifies the relationship we are building together, but gosh, vulnerability is hard work.


Saturday evening ended, after an intimate few hours of sweet and sexy time, with a heart to heart about the challenges of polyamory. It’s a new type of relationship for him and he had many thoughts and feelings about the bits that make him nervous and unsure. We talked about how feelings can be inconsistent and how what’s easy today could feel hard tomorrow and how one doesn’t ever really know how they feel about something until they know. Bless his sweet Virgo heart. It would suit him just fine if all of this fit into neat little boxes but alas, it’s all a lot more organic than that.

One thing I can say about this man is that his heart is huge and he wears it boldly, proudly, on his sleeve. He has no ego when it comes to expressing his emotions and he actively listens when it’s my turn to talk. This makes it easy to have a rational dialogue even if it’s about something as ephemeral as feelings. In the end he was comforted by what we both shared and we both ended the conversation feeling aligned and supported. Yay us!

The second deep dive was a conversation I have never had in any relationship ever. We talked about intercourse (which we have so far abstained from, in part because: chastity, in part because it just isn’t the be all/end all sex act for either of us) It was a fun and flirty talk – he was tempting me with thoughts of him gazing into my eyes and sliding down my strap and eating me out after cumming in me. Good lord, I literally left a wet-spot on the couch. But it was then that I blurted out something I have never wanted or expressed before: I told him I want to wait until we’ve fallen in love. We agreed that we both want to be *there* when we get so undeniably physically intimate. It was sweet and lovely and vulnerable and felt very foreign but also totally right. Never ever have I held out for love over sex. I’ve never made a conscious decision to wait. Not once. Not ever.

His vulnerability is so sexy. We have great chemistry, undeniable chemistry, but wanting to wait is more about being able to be in that moment without fear or trepidation, to just drown in each other and not have to think, just feel. It seems silly to discuss waiting for something that you’re implying is an inevitability, because if it’s inevitable what does it matter? We’ve done loads of other sexy stuff, so I can hardly express why intercourse is where the invisible line gets drawn. But it does. I’m tired of sharing deeply in relationships without balanced reciprocation and I’m bothered that my walls have been as high as they are with him. I’m slowly showing him the scars and sharing the stories and he’s so far remained steadfast. Regardless of sex, or when it happens, I want to build this in a way that feels sustainable and that means being conscious and aware of the significance of our words and actions.

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