I’m less than 24 hours out from a date with a new, adorable, submissive man and a deeply anxious feeling is creeping through me. This is the first first date since things began with The Boy, last August. It’s been six months since things ended with him and inside I’m full of fear and reservations, waves of insecurity and failure washing over me.The Boy’s last words to me were “I don’t think either of us is getting what we want.” He was right, I wasn’t. But I had failed to see that he wasn’t either. I’ve analyzed the behavior and responses in that relationship, the language we used, the disconnect between our physical chemistry and how we communicated when apart. I’ve looked at it a hundred different ways, a thousand different times and I don’t know where it really went wrong. After all this time and reflection I’d like to say I feel I can trust my instincts again but I’m not sure. Was it just a poor fit? Did I really make so many mistakes? I’m over The Boy, as a person. In hind sight he was selfish and kind of a dick.
I want to be over the experience of the relationship too but I just can’t put my finger on what learning I’m supposed to take from it.
I don’t want to measure every other submissive suitor against him, that’s not fair, but he has become the low bar to exceed, a substandard reminder of what not to accept. Yet, this doesn’t fortify me or give me comfort. I don’t feel better equipped. It makes me feel delicate and vulnerable, wondering if I can ever be, in the flesh, the powerful, sure, fair and firm Domme I thought I was.
Where is she, and will she arrive in time for 7pm tomorrow? And what if she’s no where to be found? What if I can’t find her ever again?
And who am I, if not her?