This is my first submission to Food For Thought Friday and the topic is: Hook Ups. Most of us have had them and I think most people will agree that they can either go very well, or very poorly. In my experience there’s very little in between, or at least they start out well and end horrendously. Am I painting a picture yet of my opinion and experiences? Read on for some detailed accounts of my no strings attached sex life …
Have you ever “hooked up” with someone just for sex?
Yes, absolutely. In most cases they have been casual, sex only situations that were on going, with a smattering of one night stands. By and large I need some sort of connection, usually sheer arousal or just physical attraction isn’t enough to hold my interest long enough to fuck someone. I am, however, completely able to have sex without romantic feelings and emotional attachment. Simply put, sex and love are completely separate for me. They can and do absolutely overlap (ask my three partners if this is true) but they don’t need to. I prefer sex that’s with someone I vibe with and care about, even if we’re just friends, but that doesn’t preclude people I have just met or people that I’m just into in the moment.
How did you arrange it?
I’ve hooked up with people I’ve met that night, at parties, or through mutual friends. I’ve purposefully sought casual connections via Fetlife. I’ve fallen into conversation with strangers and eventually fallen in to bed with them. If you’re open to casual sex you may find that it is very much available to you and that there are other casual and willing play partners who are available for sex a la carte or for more long term friends with benefits arrangements. As long as everyone involved is clear about expectations and you keep your wits about you, hooking up can be really hot and fun.
How did it make you feel?
In most instances, I felt good, maybe even liberated. I have definitely felt a sense of what I call Slut Pride, the “fuck yeah, I’m in charge of my pleasure” feeling that can come from knowing and getting exactly what you want. Personally, as a person who has been committed to ethical non-monogamy for nearly two decades, there are things and people to be considered if and when I branch out and enjoy a casual hook up and even more to think about if it is going to become a long term situation.
I have also had really miserable, regretful, painful hookups. Examples that come to mind:
A beautiful woman I was friends with at university who, after we hooked up, completely froze me out of our social circle and told our mutual friends that I had led her on and promised her a relationship. I had been very clear that it was a casual, experimental thing for me. She clearly felt and heard differently. I left that university shortly after so it didn’t matter much.
A really hot and sexy guy that came to a party at my house (a friend of a friend of a friend). We vibed immediately but played it cool, finally hooking up the next weekend. During intercourse he put his thumb in my ass without consent or discussion, thereby ending the evening abruptly. As I dressed to leave he tried to entice me to stay by offering me oral sex and cocaine. I left without another word.
An on again, off again long term FWB situation with an older guy who was not forth coming with his kinks and interests (mainly the desire to have sex with a woman while she played dead). He presented these desires to me by telling me to be very still and to hold my breath while we fucked, or rather, while he fucked me. After confirming that all of that was a hard limit for me he told me I was a shitty lay any way. So I left.
Were there any consequences, good or bad, that arose from it?
In the case of the more negative and regrettable hook ups there was short term hurt, or fear or humiliation, but nothing lasting. In all cases I was able to walk away, relatively unscathed without any residual issues. In the case of the good ones, they were just that: good while they lasted, but nothing more. I remember many situations fondly and they absolutely inform my desires and curiosities for sex in the future with new people and new situations.