autobiographical,  Every Damn Day in June,  femmedom,  Thoughts

Dommes Aren’t Sexual Vending Machines

Here’s a concept we can all chew on: Dominant Women are not sexual vending machines.

Not if they’re pros, not if they are educators, nor bloggers, nor just women who want to get laid like everybody else, Dominant Women, like all women, don’t owe you a goddamn thing.

I will never accept or resist challenging the gap that occurs between so many so called submissive men and the Dominant women they seek. In my relatively limited but not entirely naive experience with online meeting/dating sub guys, there’s a huge disconnect when it comes to how most of them approach or respond.

They seem to fall into two camps: Desperate and Selfish.

The Desperates are peevish and use the line “whatever you want” a lot. They struggle to articulate anything about their submission and are willing to do “anything” asked of them so long as you are a woman and willing to fulfil their ideal image of Dominance. They don’t care what you want or need as long as you tell them what to do, and forget being seen as a person, you’re just an icon, completely interchangeable with the next bossy bitch they encounter.

The Selfish are easy to spot because they are immediately topping from the bottom. They tell you in detail all the things they like and are willing to do; what kind of lingerie they want to wear or how they like being spanked or teased, or how they like to be teased and denied, but only until they’re ready to get off. Then they expect that by having represented some aspect of role reversal they should be showered with orgasms.

Neither of these approaches are submissive and both expect that if they say the right terms and express the right desires, the Dominant Woman in the equation will serve up their kink or fetish to them on a silver platter. They punch in the code and she spits out a sexual experience on his terms like a vending machine dispensing candy. At best, these are bottoms looking for kinky or rough sex with a woman who is more decisive than they are. There’s nothing wrong with being a bottom, nothing at all, but if you are one, don’t advertise yourself as a submissive.

Submission, by definition, requires giving over your power to a Dominant in order to please and serve that Dominant. Their happiness is yours, you become the vessel of their pleasure experience. It’s not as if subs get nothing for their sacrifices, and they may enjoy their role fully, but the purpose and energy behind submission is giving, not saying or doing what you need to in order to tailor a scene to fit your fantasy.

I get it, the kink world can be hard on subby guys; there’s not a ton of dialogue out there and so many tropes and stereotypes to wade through. Dominant Women face the same challenges and tropes and it’s a complex landscape. So to all the subby guys out there, check yourselves: Dommes are women, they’re people, and they aren’t solely existing to fulfill fantasies and live up to stereotypes.

Ask not what a Domme can do for you but what you can do for a Domme.

 

4 Comments

  • melodyinsights

    There does seem to be an ever growing frustration around what submission generally means to a domme and what it means to a sub. It’s a gap which is seemingly unbridgeable because rarely do both have the common concepts to make dialogue possible.

    Dommes typically have a much greater understanding of what they mean by submission. Subs, by and large, don’t have a clue. In your terminology, the selfish want kinky sex and the desperate have long festering dark fantasies with no basis in reality. And neither of these coincides with the domme’s understanding of submission.

    A reply I sent to a domme a couple of days ago going through tangible frustration as a result of this is quite apt: “I know it’s depressing but this is what the lowest common denominator of The Internet reinforces. The Internet has reduced the overt picture of D/s as one selling fantasy as a service to their wants. Most can’t be educated beyond that. Good luck in finding the gems that can be educated.”

    I found your last words to be rather bitter-sweet: “So to all the subby guys out there, check yourselves: Dommes are women, they’re people, and they aren’t solely existing to fulfill fantasies and live up to stereotypes.”

    I’ve written a few things on this and I know of some other subs quite erudite on it – yes, we get almost as frustrated about this lack of empathy, even humanity, that’s prevalent in males as do the dommes. The point is that most of these males can not and will not be changed. I likened it in one piece to the female (domme) having no more importance to him than his favourite FleshLight.

    I do put down the worsening of this to the Internet and the messages any sub/bottom curious in the topic sees. Until you go deep in to highly regulated special interest sites, every message, ad and link he sees is about dominant women being on tap to service his wants. It’s a complete inversion of what the reality of submission is about and there’s no counter message to it until they meet a domme. And the shock of that is too much for many of them.

    furcissy wrote a piece (https://fcsyblog.wordpress.com/2018/06/15/473-thoughts-on-jaded-subs-and-arrogant-subs/) this morning that describes the disconnect fairly well.

  • cammiesonthefloor

    There’s some problematic issues but because it almost feels like submissive men are dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t, but what really drew me in was the comparison of the Dominant Woman and Vending Machines. In my limited experience, I’ve still most often been approached this way. Totally agree that dominant women don’t owe a damn thing.

    • Violet

      I agree that they are a bit damned if the do, damned if they don’t. It’s very complex but I still think that the expectations of D Women are based in male privilege

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